I can’t sleep. My heart is racing. I don’t know if it’s anxiety because I know I need to sleep because I work both jobs tomorrow or if I’ve screwed up my meds.

Either way, it’s annoying and I can’t calm down. I’ve got my youngest sleeping with me and both dogs. Still not calm.

I’m out of matches on Match.com. I’m tired of Bumble.

I know I’m screwed.

An old friend texted me tonight wanting to know how I was doing. I told him not entirely happy, working a lot and he said I deserve to be happy. I hear this a lot. I know it begins inside but I’m kind of working for everyone else right now.

Y’all get sick of hearing my pity party shit?

I’m getting tired of it. I want something good to happen!

I’ll keep trying.

Maybe I Don’t Understand

And I need someone to teach me, tell me, show me how not to be bitter any longer! I’m tired of feeling sorry for my son and myself and my boys in general because Jackson was born with so many problems, he’s disabled, they lost their father to drugs, I lived with an alcoholic/drug addict, losing my father, having the person who said he liked me for what and who I was leave me and it not see it as a reflection on me. I need someone to tell me how not to be tired of learning new things about my son, being worried I’m depriving the other son of good attention and yelling and asking too much of him because he’s “typical”. I’m tired of not feeling pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, strong enough, good enough, there enough, perfect enough.

Maybe one of you could offer me some advice. Maybe I can quit crying at the thought of him and the sound of his name 5 months later. I’m tired of having to kill all the fucking spiders in this house. I’m tired of being scared to answer the door. I want to hear something in the middle of the night and have someone else go check it out. I want someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything is going to fucking be alright.

I don’t understand why someone who called you the nicest person he’s ever dated would leave!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t understand why he’d call me a catch and beautiful and then fucking end us over a fucking phone call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What kind of man does that????????????? A fucking pussy! He slept with me, shared my bed, must have pitied me or USED me! USED ME! To be such an asshole as to tell someone that he hopes you find someone that really loves you. Who does that? I hope he gets his heart broken one day and hard by someone he gave his all to, someone he idolized and respected, I hope one day he learns and feels HALF as bad as he has left me.

I pray my son recovers, stays as happy as he is and always been. I pray nothing changes him. I pray he lives a long, fulfilling life.

I pray Jake knows I love him and envy him with his carefree personality and contagious smile.

I pray my dad knows how much I miss him and how much I loved him and continue to.

I have to stop. I’m all cried out at the moment.

Dad’s 60th

My dad died of a heart attack 13 years ago. He would have been 60 today. I can’t explain the way I’m feeling.

I’m sad because of him. I’m sad for the boys. I can’t figure out why I’m still so hurt after being dumped back in May. I’m stressed and worried because of money and Jackson’s recent diagnosis. I was home yesterday with him because he threw up and was running a fever. We slept most of the day.

I feel alone. I feel mad. I feel betrayed and hurt. I feel used. I feel sick.

I’m still pissed. Because Dad died too young. Because I feel I was being used in my last relationship and he hurt me and I’ve not had closure. I feel ashamed. I feel regretful. I feel I’ve hurt someone’s feelings recently.

I’m just feeling a lot of things today. Too many things.

The cops just left. Someone was banging on my sliding glass door. I mustered up enough courage to look and saw nothing. I called the cops. They check things out. Nothing. Then my neighbor texts me. The same thing happened to her two hours ago.

I’m so exhausted. I’ve worked 20 days. I haven’t had a break. I’m lonely. I’m scared. I’m missing my dad.

I’m still so hurt from my May breakup. I’m so tired. I’m so alone. I’m tired of weighing what I do. I’m tired of feeling inadequate when my ex boyfriend used to tell me I was beautiful and sexy but then he left me. I can’t trust anyone because even someone that said he liked me deceived me.

Now I’m to worry about people breaking into my house.

He doesn’t care anymore. I don’t think he did for a while before he dumped me.

I often wonder if I’d talk to him if I saw him. I know it’ll never happen though. Our paths won’t cross. He’ll never call or text me to apologize for hurting me. For deceiving me.

I just replay all the things he said to me and I have to accept they were all lies. And I have to accept the fact that I’ll find better and he lost me. I was devoted, committed, faithful and his and he lost me.

If I said I hope he never gets cheated on again or lied to again I might be lying. I’d like to say I hope one day he thinks about what a good thing he lost but he probably thinks he dodged a bullet. I’ll find someone. I’ll be devoted, committed and faithful to someone who appreciates me and really loves me. And they won’t be a coward and dump me over the phone after 6 months when I’ve been drinking. He’ll regret it. If he has even a little bit of conscious he’d feel guilty for hurting me. One day, I hope he regrets it.

I’ll never get an apology from him. He’s too prideful. He would never admit a mistake or apologize for being wrong. Never.