Work Anxiety

My irrational work anxiety has gotten worse. It actually started yesterday morning after waking. I don’t know if I’m afraid of messing something up and being fired, the fact I don’t make much money or knowing I’m going to be bored all day everyday. I’m snapping at my kids.

I woke up late today and I tell at them to hurry up. It’s my fault. And all I have to do is get up on time. But I don’t.

I have nothing to look forward to. I need to find something to be thankful for and drill it into my head.

Alone Time

It took me years after the boy’s father died to accept the fact I can’t do what most parents can. I can’t walk around the block to blow off steam at a moment’s notice. I can’t go for a pedicure unless it’s planned and I have a sitter. Going to the grocery store to pick something up I forgot in a recipe is hard. Running out of Tylenol when a child has a fever at midnight is no longer a quick run to the store. Everything changed when he died.

I’ve gotten a lot better at accepting it. For almost three years I’ve tried everything to numb myself: alcohol, marijuana, sex with strangers, relationships. I’ve done everything but help myself in positive ways. I need to stay in therapy.

I’m waiting so badly to go off my meds. I’m wanting to try freeing my body of such awful drugs. I want to not have side effects. I want to see if I’d lose weight. If therapy helps the true underlying cause, my thoughts. But I think all of this is really chemical. But how much of it is thought?

I’m living paycheck to paycheck again but I splurged on Black Friday when Aveda was having a sale and purchased their Chakra 1 Pure-fume Mist. It has my favorite oil in it, patchouli, but it’s mixed with others and not very strong. This morning it brought me pleasure to spray it on.

I need more moments like that. Even sitting here inhaling it brings back memories of the hippie stores I visited as a teenager. Being carefree and happy. It reminds me of Jackson’s drum lessons, his instructor clearly burns incense;) Jackson loves going there.

I’m a little disappointed in myself for not working out this morning but I’ll work out tonight and i’ll watch what I eat today.

I really wish sales were a thing again. This romaine recall is for the birds.

I’m really enjoying not being on Facebook. I think I started my break on the 1st or 2nd. Last year my boyfriend at the time gave up alcohol and Facebook in January. Evidently this was something he did each year. I didn’t make the no alcohol rule last long but I keep the no Facebook pledge alive. I thought December would be good because at the moment I want to work on me and it felt right. The other benefit is I don’t have to see everyone’s fucking Elf on the Shelf photos. We don’t do it. I couldn’t commit to doing that every night being a working single mother. Fuck that;)

I do believe I am probably heavier than I’ve ever been. But I’m changing that. I’m working out and eating in moderation.

I’m not interviewing around. I cancelled it. I’m staying where I am for a year.

I’m doing the DBT therapy nightly. Along with drinking more tea, less alcohol.

Last night Jake and I did bedtime yoga. What a wonderful thing to do with him! He loved it. If anybody knows anything about getting Chromecast to work shoot me a line;)

My hair is growing out. I’m going to make myself happy. Now if it would snow several inches (after grocery shopping of course) and I get to stay home with the boys that would great.

Sunday Silence

In desperate need of a break from the boys I asked my mom to watch the boys. I decided to color my hair then go Christmas shopping. I stopped by a Cracker Barrel for chicken and dumplings. Healthy, I know but so good.

So here I sit. I’m visiting their store after eating because when we were here a few weeks ago I got several pictures of the boys with toys they wanted. I ordered what I could from Amazon now I’m here to get the rest.

Grocery store after this then home to wrap presents and hide them. I love that the boys still believe in Santa but sometimes it would be easier if they didn’t. I’ll take them little and believing. They enjoy it. I saw a post on Facebook from another special needs mom whose 23 year old son still believes in Santa. I wonder how long Jackson will and how would Jake not ever tell him. I’ll worry about that at another time. Today, I’m enjoying the quiet and calm.

Abandonment

It’s easy to lie in bed at night thinking of what you did wrong, what have you done to deserve this. Being abandoned.

It started years ago in kindergarten with my mother threatening to send me if I didn’t tell her why I was humming during head’s down time at our table. I remember crying, begging her to not send me away while laying on top of a suitcase she was threatening to pack for me.

Friends have stopped texting.

No matches on dating sites.

Am I ugly?

Am I that fat?

Am I that awful to be around?

Living in fear of doing wrong and being sent away. Messing something up and getting fired. Getting attached and getting hurt.

I’m already dreading Monday. I hate thinking like this and living like this. I wish I could shut it all off. I didn’t leave the house today. I napped. I screamed at the boys to clean up. Screamed. The anxiety. Knowing I owe 4k in medical bills now. Not knowing how to Skype for an interview I have Monday. Knowing I’ll never be able to afford retirement.

All things I think about when I’m supposed to be sleeping. Tired of thinking this way, not tired enough to sleep.