February 12

Well. I’ve been home with a sick kid and then I got sick. I had to take a day and a half of unpaid leave. I can’t figure out how to make this blog free I may be canceling come March. Feeding the kids comes first.

On another note. My anxiety was hella bad this morning with the thought of returning to work, being sick all day and dealing with issues that work hard texted and called me about the day before. I was sweating so bad! Out of the shower naked with a fan blowing on me sweat running down my legs bad. Lifted a boob to dry the boob sweat using the cool setting on the hair dryer bad. No makeup today bad.

I saw my therapist today. She wants me to talk about being put on a mood stabilizer because I’m frustrated and she said more things I couldn’t understand because of her accent. I don’t think frustration is a mood. I think it’s more of a feeling. She asked when I’d see the therapist again I told her 3/11. She said, “Good. One month.” And I thought and later cried thinking how simple she made a month sound when I’m the one living each day individually 30 damn times with the thoughts in my head and my feelings what they are. Easy for her to say.

She warned me that the guy I dated Saturday night might be a narcissist. Having the kids by 3 women is a hell of a red flag but he was married twice and one was unplanned. I looked past it. She said he’s leaving his seeds. Kinda funny thinking of kids as seeds.

She told me to start looking for a new job, better pay. I want to be a stand up comedian. I wish I had the balls to try it. I think I’d be hot at it.

Instead I’m thinking of a career change and selling life insurance. I had my license before and let it lapse in TN. I’m a firm believer and supporter of life insurance especially since my father died and my mom squandered it and my ex died and didn’t leave anything. Idk. Maybe “working for myself”, getting back into sales and holding myself accountable would be a good thing.

I’ll keep applying to these fucking admin asst positions though. Continue to hate my life, not afford to do fun things or go anywhere because my dead end job is holding me done. Yeah, not the American dream I pictured but I’m fucking living.

Till next time peeps;)

Tupelo Honey

We were in Memphis on Beale Street in February, my first husband and I. We walked into a club that only had one table open. Right in front of the band. We couldn’t believe no one was sitting there. We sat down. We took off our coats and got comfortable listening to the band. It became clear within minutes why the table was available. Everytime the door opened the wind came in and went straight to our table and sent shivers down our spines. But we were on Beale Street listening to a live jazz band! We coated up and listened. We were married a year. They started playing Tupelo Honey. I couldn’t help but notice the bass player staring at me. I thought maybe it was because of the seat I chose and he’d stare at anyone in this seat. I couldn’t help but stare back. A guitar player. Singing backup on Tupelo Honey on Beale Street in Memphis, Tennessee. It excited me. When halfway through the song my husband leans over and and asks, “Is it me or is the bass player staring at you?” I shrugged.

I had sex with my husband that night but made to love someone else in mind.

Tried to be Healthy

This morning and make a smoothie. My cheap ass blender won’t cut up frozen bananas, cranberries and kale but it does this to a spatula thingie. Being skinny is overrated. I don’t know why I’m trying to look hot in a bathing suit this summer. I’m not fucking anyone at the pool. And experience shows me men don’t give a fuck about the cellulite on your ass when their dick’s hard. Sorry, just saying. I’m tired of trying and being miserable.

Home With a Sick Kid

This guy friend I’ve been talking with has brought it to my attention I’m not very complimentary. I frankly feel like I’m not nice to him. I feel like I’m trying to keep him at a distance because he’s told me he doesn’t want a relationship. But he’s leading me on. So then yesterday he tells me he gave some girl his number. But he’s calling me everyday. He’s telling me I’m gorgeous. I don’t like these games at my age. And it sucks because I’m getting used to talking to him everyday. I wanted to ask him over tonight to hang out but I’m home with Jake who’s sick. But I’m starting to get hurt. I’m going to have to back off.

Sleepless in Simpsonville

I’m not sleeping. Wednesday was bad. Thursday was bad. Friday I drank and slept. Tonight, well this morning, it’s 3 am and I’m binge watching Kitchen Nightmares.

I’m bothered. The boys aren’t doing well at reading. They’re not writing well. I’m single. I’ve made friends with a guy I went on a date with a couple of weeks ago. I thought it would be good, I’d get off dating sites and have a guy friend. Work on my friendships. He’s very nice. He came over and helped me with things around the house. It had been nice.

A conversation last night while I was drinking turned sexual. I didn’t hear from him much today. He text me this morning he was worried I’d stop texting him. It seems like he’s stopped texting me. I’m probably just complicating things for him. He’s getting over a relationship. Eh. I like being friends with him though I just don’t need to get bothered by things.

On another note Super Bowl is tomorrow. It saddens me the season will be over. However, I need a new hobby. I need to find something to do. I look so forward to the weekends but I’m spending them sleeping, watching tv. Working on reading with the boys. Change my attitude. Be positive. Be happy. I think if I changed my attitude things will fall into place.

I’ve got a five year plan to pay off a lot of my debt. Work now on funding my retirement. Maybe stop looking for a new job and work on my current job and being a good mom. I’ve been doing it a little a time. However, I need a good night’s sleep. Church tomorrow? Nap tomorrow? I don’t want to nap but no sleep tonight could affect that. I’d love to drink Cokes but not gain weight lol. Maybe green tea and coffee. Can I tell you black coffee sucks?

Thanks for reading my crap guys! Thanks for sticking with my new plans and new ideas:)

After all, tomorrow is a new day;) Joke there. Gone With the Wind is hitting theaters again soon.