How does one stop being bitter? How do you get over feeling cheated out of motherhood and middle age?
Why am I so jealous of stay-at-home moms? I know why. They get to spend time with their children. I was a stay-at-home mom once. I was taking my special needs child to 4 therapy appointments every week. We were broke. My husband at the time had been injured at work and was only receiving worker’s comp. He was also an addict and not easy to live with. I made the decision to marry him, have children and stay at home. Why do I get angry with women who stay at home and take it for granted? Do I want them to know what a privilege it is?
It’s probably the same reasoning behind my bitterness and anger towards women who still have ex-husbands and baby-daddy’s around to “share the burden” of parenting. Am I angry that I’m having to work to support all three of us? That I have no choice?
I’m all of the above. I really wish I could get over this. I really wish I was a stronger, better person that this. I wish I could just enjoy my life as is. At least I can recognize my problem. I just need to continue with counseling and change my thought process. I’ve started shifting my thinking from negative thoughts. I’m becoming more consciously aware of when I start spiraling down to change direction and think of a positive.
Confession: I’ve been sober a week. I stayed alcohol free all weekend. It wasn’t hard as I just stayed at home with the boys and reminded myself that I was saving money since I’m unemployed. I’m also trying to think more positively so I don’t dwell on that fact as much as I have been. I’ve began praying. To whom exactly, I don’t know but I’m trying to let go, and give to God or someone. Prayer has been recommended by many and I felt I should give it a try. I’m doing it my own way which probably defeats the purpose but I’m trying to surrender to the fact that maybe someone else has a greater influence over my life than myself and someone is looking out for boys and I. That’s a comforting thought to this single mom. Knowing that someone cares about all three of us and has our best interests at heart is peaceful. And probably wishful thinking but there I go with the negativity! I can only find happiness within myself. And dammit, I’m going to do it!