Tonight. Today. What a day. It was early this morning that I spewed honest and hateful things to the man I’ve been dating for 5 months. It pushed him to leave. He wasn’t perfect in what he said either. I said everything I’ve been too timid to say. What I’ve been thinking and tucking down when he’s around.
But the hurt came this morning when I log on to Bumble. I have a problem. I’m a love addict. I knew this going into this relationship. It was my first relationship since the suggestion from a counselor. I log on for affirmation. I need to feel wanted after being dissed so harshly. I’ve done this many times. I immediately feel the need to be accepted and move on. But the first profile was his. Recent photos and the same photos he had posted on the site when we met.
Pause. Was he cheating on me the whole time? I text him. No. He’s doing the same thing I am. He’s a love addict too. I realized it in the conversations. I just kept ignoring it. He was always in a relationship. He needs to be in one, like me. But things are changing now. He accuses me of cheating. My profile pic is current to my Facebook pic.
Lady Antebellum has a song “Heart Break”. I got back on Bumble and deleted my account. No longer do I need the acceptance of a strange man to tell me I’m pretty so that I can sleep at night. No longer will I hurt myself. No longer will I hurt my boys. I need to focus on me. I never cheated on him. I didn’t need to or want to. And I know about cheating. I wouldn’t do that to another person.
He won’t read this because I’ve told him not to read my blog but I apologized earlier today and I’ll apologize again.
My heart breaks. But I know that right now it will hurt worse than tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after. I’ll recover.
I just have a hard time wrapping my head around this man telling me I was the nicest human he had ever dated and he left me. He said he didn’t know why he was with me…he didn’t text enough, kiss me enough. I didn’t know I was asking too much. That could have been said outside of an argument. Or he could be the wrong guy. I know I threw a “Fuck you” out there and I won’t say that unless I’m really pissed. But I was drunk. Had started drinking around 4. I honestly can’t say what I said or heard. I even texted him that but no response. I’m sure he’s moved on and is texting a Bumble chick.
Maybe I want a guy that posts a pic of us on Facebook. Maybe I want someone to know when my interviews are and gives me a “You can do this!” nudge. Maybe I want someone to ask how my day was. He was good at “good morning’s”. Now I’m wondering if every time his phone or watch went off it was another woman.
Now I’m sitting here. Stopping this. At least I know what my problem is and I’ll move on. I’m taking a break from men. It fits perfectly with my unemployment status. No one would want me anyway.
Jackson just asked me to move back to Tennessee. Maybe it’s finally time I admit to myself that moving back was the biggest mistake I’ve made lately. Fuck. Me. We’re now all miserable.