I’m a little, ok, a lot, ashamed to admit this but I kind of like the Florida Georgia Line duet out on the radio now. Up until recently I didn’t pray much. Didn’t think too much about a god or any almighty existence. If fact, I’m still not convinced there’s the God. But maybe there is a god. All I know is during my sabbatical I prayed for a job. I got a job. I actually got a job with a Christian non-profit. I prayed for help quitting drinking. I’ve been given willpower or something. I haven’t drank in over 2 weeks.
Two weeks ago my boyfriend and I broke up or whatever that was. And I heard this song and it resonated with me. Ok, so did David Lee Murphy’s new one with Kenny Chesney. “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright”. I thought about that one a lot this past weekend when my nerves were giving me fits about starting a new job. But both songs are right in that everything is going to be alright and if it’s meant to be it’ll be. Everything has a way of working out.
Even after the crap that I’ve been through, it doesn’t compare to a lot of people’s crap. Life is made up of a bunch of small things that seem big at the time. But in the whole scope of things, my life’s been pretty good.
“Hold up, girl, don’t you know you’re beautiful…” Why, yes, I am.
If you followed my last blog you’ll know that the week before I moved I had a guy stand me up. To protect the innocent I’ll just refer to him as Asshole going forward. So Asshole and I had been seeing each other for a few months before I decided to move. Nothing serious ever panned out and I just moved on, literally. So when he texted me one day asking to see me and I told him I was moving I didn’t expect a big reaction from him. He wanted to see the boys and I one last time. He came over Saturday and stayed the night. He was supposed to come back for dinner Sunday night after working. I remember him giving me a very long hug that morning before he left. I should have known. He never returned another text from me. I never saw him again and we moved the next week.
So Asshole texted me last week. Said he’d been thinking about me and he missed me. The feelings weren’t mutual so I didn’t say much in return other than asking how he’d been. He left Nashville after we did and returned to Atlanta. He was reminded of why he had left home, much like I’m feeling some days and returned to Nashville a couple months ago. Said he can’t pass my exit without thinking of me and he wishes I had stayed. I told him I didn’t know how he felt about me and that was one of the reasons I left, no one was keeping me in Tennessee. He wished things had worked out differently. I just wanted an apology. He said it. I’ve had this long line of men I’ve dated and even married that don’t do what they say they will. Whether it’s “I’m on my way” or “I promised I’ll quit drinking” not a lot of them stick to their word. I have a lot of trust issues because of this.
It never fails when I need help or advice and I try to call them they won’t answer. And it’s been because of every reason from I was at a bar and didn’t want to lie to you to I was with my ex and I didn’t want to hear any shit from her. All of this has determined my worth. And to these men I’ve meant little to nothing. But I’ve allowed them to treat me this way. I’ve set the bar low for myself. I realize now I deserve better. I need to remember this in all aspects of my life. Of course, you know how hurtful it is to be shunned or ignored or left by someone you thought loved you. And this isn’t just men. This is friends and family too. Maybe they’re ashamed of you. Maybe you’re not good enough. Maybe they just don’t care anymore.
I’ve gotten way off track here. The point is assholes exist. If you’re treated like crap, don’t let it happen again. If you think you’re not going to get through whatever it is you think you’re not going to get through, tough shit, you will. You’ll get through it and be smarter and stronger than before. If the guy, the girl, the job, the house, the big decision doesn’t come through, you’ll still live. It’ll hurt like hell for a little while but just like this sobriety I’m better today than I was yesterday. I know that I’ll hurt less tomorrow. I know that tomorrow won’t hurt as bad as today because tomorrow a little more time has distanced me from my pain.
My new therapist was quick to point out how guarded I was at my first appointment. From the way I spoke to the way I was sitting. She sensed I had been through a lot. I’m afraid I might appear to be walking around with a chip on my shoulder. I need to let go of that. I need to move on. I need to not let those that have hurt me in the past hurt me ever again. And more importantly I need to not let anyone hurt me like that again.
Because I am beautiful. I am strong. I am sober, today. I got the boys and I ready today, took them to school, worked 8 hours, went to the store after work, picked up the boys, went to Wal-Mart, came home worked on Jake’s homework, worked on Jackson’s homework, it was a fend-for-yourselves kind of dinner night as when I walked in the door I was met with 4 puddles of geriatric dog pee and a new colony of ant’s eating what I thought was sealed angel food cake on my kitchen counter. So now I’m exhausted and wanting to go to bed knowing that I’ll wake up and have to do this all over again plus showers, drum lessons and hopefully a four mile walk tomorrow night. I did at one point, when working on the float and having Jake bark at me for help with a problem, think “Where’s my drink?” I actually glanced down and had to remind myself I didn’t have one sitting in front of me this time. I laughed to myself.
I’ll stay sober for now, for today. I’ll be happy today and hopefully I will wake up tomorrow and do this same shit all over again. Maybe I won’t ever have to deal with anymore Assholes. After all, if it’s meant to be…