I titled this blog, stupidly, “I Understand” to let most of you know I can relate to your problems. Depression, anxiety, grieving, alcoholism, anorexia, you name it – I’ve felt it. But the truth is, I don’t understand you all. No one can and I feel the need to apologize for the assumption I do. But if you’re thinking of killing yourself because you think no one loves you then I do understand. Because I’ve been that person. And I truly fucking understand. That’s why I titled it what I did. Because a lot of people go through things that they think no one else goes through, but it’s not true. There are a lot of people on this earth. I guarantee someone can relate to you and has been through what you’ve been through. You don’t want to believe it at the time, but it’s true. And you know what, you’ll get through like they did.
I wish I could tell you more of what I understood. I wish I could tell you more about who I’ve been the last three years and one good reason for moving away from Tennessee.
I guess I was pretty when I didn’t think I was. From people telling me I was too pretty to be with so-and-so to being the object of affection of a married man. Or two. Or three.
Do you know what I do??? I’m so honest I’ll tell you and tell you what I got caught in. I need validation. I need affirmation. Most recently my boyfriend and I got in a fight and parted ways in the latter part of a Saturday night. He left. I tossed and turned in bed and then decided to do what I always do and what I’ve discussed with my therapists. I seek what I said validation and affirmation. So for a quick “fix” when you sign up for online dating you get instant gratification when someone “likes” you or you “match” with someone. I don’t have to talk to them. I didn’t. I just needed to know I was pretty. To know I was wanted by someone.
There, I said it. That’s what I do. That’s what I did. But when you get on, truth be known, sitting around on that Sunday morning after our fight you get on to see if anyone liked you so that you can move one you come across his profile, it breaks your heart.
You wonder if he does what you do. Seek affirmation and validation. Maybe he needs to feel wanted and liked also. Maybe.
But you don’t bring up the why when you’re talking to him days later and wanting a second chance. You know why you do it. You’d like to think he’d understand. He knows you have low self-esteem most days and think poorly of yourself. But he, he’s confident, he’s not lacking esteem. Why did he jump on dating websites so soon?
That I can’t understand but I’m too afraid to ask him. It breaks my heart, honestly. I can only think that he either has to be in a relationship and was ready to move on or he didn’t care about me and was ready to move on. Or…I can’t think of a third reason so I wonder if both outcomes were to move on, why is he with me? Am I convenient and safe? With my anxiety I don’t consider myself a total catch but I do have my shit together and am not bad looking, at least I’m told. I don’t understand.
He doesn’t read my blog. He did once upon a time but I don’t think he does and I write like he doesn’t. But a part of me tonight wishes he did read it. He’s supposed to come over tomorrow night. I don’t want him here if he doesn’t want to be here. I don’t want to be just sex. I don’t want to be a girl that’s good for today and not forever kind of girl. I really don’t want to be seen as a girl in anyone’s eyes, I’m 36. But I digress.
This is what you get when I’m 1/5 into the bourbon. You get honesty. Which is more than I get from some people sober.
And I’m still tagging sobriety because I want the people that follow that tag or look for it to know that you can slip up or drink when you swear you’ll be sober. I want humans to be human and know I understand them.