The Suicides of Spade and Bourdain

I’m sure by now everyone has formed an opinion on the suicides of the celebrities but I’m still saddened like I lost a kindred. A fellow depressed person. A fellow lost soul.

You see I’ve contemplated suicide many times. Relax, I don’t have a plan and after Jeff’s death there is no way I’d consider it any longer. Whenever I’ve been so depressed or anxious ridden I’ve always thought “I could always kill myself.” It was always my last resort. Jeff ruined that. Because I’m the sole parent of the boys now there is no way I’d consider it.

But knowing you can have it all and still be miserable is heartbreaking. It’s not a relief too the rest of us sufferers.

I’m honestly very afraid of my later years now. After the boys move out, if I’m still alone. What’s going to go through my head? Surely, I can say I won’t do anything but God knows how I feel on a bad day. Good knows how they felt on their last day.

I’ve quit writing because I’m starting to regret sharing so much. I’m sober, today, but drinking on occasion. I’m working out more and I went on a date.

Too soon. I felt immense guilt all day yesterday. I felt like I had cheated on my ex. I’m not over him. And I’m being very honest and vulnerable right now.

But I’ll take one day at a time. I’ll be fine. But know you’re not alone if your like us and suffer from a mental illness or forty and have contemplated suicide.

It’s really the stupidest title for a blog, but I truly understand.

2 thoughts on “The Suicides of Spade and Bourdain

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s