Ms. Brightside

I’m pissing my own self off. I’ll stay here for a while. Kentucky, my job, my house. I had a good friend set my ass straight this morning and it’s what I needed. I have that destination problem where I think there’s a better job, a better city, a better relationship…

I do miss Tennessee. I left a lot of good friends there and I miss them. I don’t have as many friends here. I don’t have as much to do or the great backyard I once had to things in. But I’ve got old friends here and a nice porch, a pool, neighbors, lol.

Then I moved here and met Adam. And we broke up so now I miss him. He was my best friend for nearly seven months. I messaged him last night. I guess I should be happy he responded. But I’m just being pathetic. I unfriended him. Goddamn, that was hard. But probably for the best. I clearly wanted him more than he wanted me. That’s a hard truth to swallow.

I’m slowly coming off dating websites. I don’t need that distraction right now.

I also learned something yesterday. I’m still in a mountain of student loan debt. It’s worse now that I’ve taken a pay cut. I didn’t know coming to work here initially that my employer was a non-profit. After 120 consecutive payments made on your student loans while employed with a non-profit a certain amount of your loan balance can be forgiven. For me that means almost entirely all of my balance provided, PROVIDED I stay employed at a nonprofit for 10 years.

Do you know how hard it is for me to commit to this? I’ve moved and bought houses twice in the last 2 years.

I can’t commit to hair color.

Ten years in the same city/vacinity, school system would be good for the boys. We’re near family and help now. I see advancement opportunities here and the ability to make more money in the future. Perhaps the amount of debt to be forgiven will offset the pay cut and help me with my stress level.

I need you all to hold me accountable. If I’m being dopey, sad or groveling, Desi, someone straighten my ass up again. I might just buy some beer on the way home from work and enjoy that porch tonight.

I need to learn how to be in healthy relationship. I need to learn to communicate and not pick fights. I need to have more respect for myself.

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