I’m With You

I’m still on my Avril Lavinge high. I just love singing along with that song and thinking I can hit the high notes. I can’t but I pretend.

I think I heard the saddest thing I’ve heard in a long time today. My co-worker just celebrated her 33rd wedding anniversary. She has three daughters, four grandchildren, a husband that runs to the store for work-associated reasons for her during work hours and seems content with her job. We were talking about traveling and she said she could never travel with her husband because they can’t agree on where to travel. She wants to go to Europe, he the Grand Canyon, Australia. She said they were eating dinner out the other day and she asked him to stick around a little longer to listen to the band. He didn’t want to. She said he’d rather be inside watching sports.

This saddened me because she is so nice and I’m wondering what a marriage is. Having been divorced twice for not having romantic feelings or just plain awful experiences I’m not one to talk but I’m supposed to feel a sense of accomplishment for them because they’ve celebrated and I think faithfully 33 years together but they don’t even enjoy doing the same things. I suddenly felt sorry for them both. Why spend 33 years with someone you don’t have interests in common with? Is that what people have done? Settled with someone just to have kids and stability? Where’s the excitement? Where’s the thrill? I’m sorry just because I’ve had kids with someone isn’t a reason to stay. Obviously.

My first husband and I were opposites. I’m so glad I’m not wasting my life accepting a lifestyle I wouldn’t enjoy.

I’ve struggled with this for a while. Since before Adam. Does one accept (or settle with) someone for stability, dependability, and attraction? Or do you wait for that feeling that you’re with your best friend, the one you can’t wait to do things with on Friday nights? The one dancing with me in the kitchen at 10:30 on a Wednesday night after some shared bourbon. The one I’m camping with during a rain shower. The one I’m doing things he enjoys while knowing I’m doing them because I love him and I want to see him happy. Not because I have to. I want to look at the person I’m in love with and know that we’ll have fun regardless of our circumstances. But I really want to enjoy life with them.

I’m writing this while mopping floors so it’s probably sloppy as hell but my head is all over the place.

Maybe I don’t believe in marriage. I’ve tried it twice. I’ve seen friends cheat on spouses. I’ve seen people crying because of lies. Hurt from abuse from their spouse. Hurt that they’ve had a birthday forgotten. They’ve spent holidays alone. Most importantly I’ve seen more people miserable married. Some of us weren’t meant to be married. For different reasons. I vow to have fun with the people I date. To enjoy the life I lead with the person I’m seeing. I’m not settling for less for whatever reasons. I’m not.

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