So yesterday I worked late and missed a scheduled happy hour with a former coworker. I had a sitter and didn’t feel like going home. I messaged a guy I had been talking to and he mentioned wanting to see the new Jurassic Park movie. Not an ideal first date, but what the hell.
What the hell is right. Let’s just say his photos online appeared to be taken at his best angle. And the movie date was probably to keep from making eye contact and seeing his face. Even outside the movie I asked him to remove his glasses. “Now put them back on?” he joked. Uh, yeah. And he’s obviously missed leg days. He paid for the movie and the McDonalds he brought on his way over after admitting he was starving and I told him I hadn’t eaten dinner. McDonalds in his car and a movie was a pretty bad idea. Had the happy hour not ended at 630 I’d have gone. I felt insecure dressed the way I was for the bar they had gone to anyway.
I cried myself up sleep.
I missed a workout. I actually turned down a beer at the movies and missed a happy hour. I had worked every day this week and ran around every night after. I was exhausted.
I don’t usually pray to God but I asked him what have I done that I can’t find a decent guy. Even with Adam at my happiest I laid in bed him on his side, mine on mine wondering if I could live like this forever. You see when I said I maybe wanted to get married again I didn’t tell him I wanted to marry him. I knew we weren’t going to last. I even told family and friends that. I settled. But dammit, I asked God last night if letting down the boys by not finding a father figure for them was my fault, what the fuck had I done.
I know what I’ve done. I know why I feel like I’m being punished. But why punish the boys?
I need to quit thinking this way.
Last night, my date, during the movie, searched in the dark and found my hand and held it for most of the movie. Even if I hadn’t taken a good look at him before the movie he’s already called me gorgeous and sexy. But for a few minutes I thought about how nice it is to feel touched, to feel wanted. I thought back and remembered a time that has probably led me to feel punished the way I do now.
I held a married man’s hand under the table for a few minutes one night. We were friends and hung out with friends. One night we were out and he had sat next to me. He placed his hand on my back. I removed it and thought what would it feel like to touch someone again? I hadn’t touched or been touched, lovingly, in months. I placed my hand in his instead of pushing him away. There was attraction there. And for a few minutes I felt attractive, wanted and I felt the warmth of another person’s skin on mine.
It’s one reason I moved away. Before things escalated with him, if they after would have, I wanted to move away. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to live with guilt and I didn’t want to hurt a family or marriage.
I’m now thinking to the time I went on a date with one guy and while he was out paying for extended parking I made out with the Italian tourist next to me at the bar in Tootsie’s and I’m definitely finding lots of reasons to be punished. However, that date was one of the best days of my life! I’ll have to tell y’all about that one some time.
If I can get through today and stop being codependent and a love addict I wish to remove myself from the dating website. I wish to focus on becoming healthy and losing weight. Maybe when I’m 20 lbs. down and my hair has grown out finding a guy will be easier.
I understand if I’m being punished but I don’t want the boys to be punished. They’re missing out on a dad.
I moved to Kentucky with a clean slate, wanting a fresh start. I’ve got my chance. Now I’m overweight, out of shape and needing a change. I’m trying to pay off debt, live on a tight budget and get through each day. This also means I haven’t been drunk this week and I won’t be because of the calories. Although, I may pick up my usual Friday night 6 pack of light beer and do my front porch thing to welcome the long-awaited weekend.
I hope you all have a great Friday! I hope the weekend’s exciting and restful. Maybe I’ll take a social media break and learn more about myself. Maybe I’ll learn and have it drilled into my head that life’s not that bad after all.