I think the worst part of the breakup is knowing he didn’t care as much as he pretended to. It’s knowing he must have been lying when he said I was a catch. When he said I was beautiful. When he liked me for being honest and not cheating on him because other women had. It doesn’t matter how faithful I was to him, he still left. He told me he’d paint my trim. He was supposed to replace door trim. He just left. Easily. This makes me very unhappy.
Here’s a letter to those who haunt me:
The most gorgeous man I’ve ever met wanted me for a short time. I’m still looking to replace you. I grade all other men against you. Who is more attractive than you? Who is better than you? I no longer look for your truck. I don’t expect your texts. I look for you on Facebook. I see you’re off again. I hope you and your wife are doing well.
I think I still feel the same about you as I did decades ago. You’re comforting and familiar. I know you’re always going to love me so I see you as base. Like I can drift away but I’ll want to return to you when times get hard because I know you’ll be there. You’re here but not here now. Life’s much more complicated for us both now. I’d still be using you again if I reached out to you now even though I’m wanting so badly to reach out. I know I’ll only be doing it to feel wanted.
Fuck you. You told me so many lies. You can’t love anyone. You love everything else but those who love you. You are selfish. You claim to be protecting yourself but you close yourself off. You play games but yet you’re grown. You play the part of an adult with so much responsibility but you’re a child. You’re rude and broken. You’re spiteful and hurtful, and you don’t even know it. You only think of yourself. And it’s evident in everything that you do and every relationship you have.
Forget about them all. Move on. You haven’t been perfect either. You haven’t treated them all very well either. You’ve also been too good to some. You remember the hurt and put your guard up. Let them suffer their own consequences and learn from their and your past mistakes.
Be pickier in the future. Don’t fucking settle. Don’t assume. Just, don’t love. You’ll be safer that way.