I know I should be thankful to have a job but it’s depressing me. I finally cried about it tonight. I do nothing all day. I talk to no one all day. I read news sites for fuck’s sake. They hired me to run 2 programs. They’ve purchased one program and I’m waiting for them to upload information, it’s been taking forever.
I work with 2 people. My boss and a woman. I don’t think she thinks I’m competent enough to run the program.
I’m getting lazy. I’m unmotivated. I hate waking up in the morning. I’ve been there four and a half months. I’ve done very little work. I’m starting to doubt myself and I think about everything so I’m overthinking everything.
I’m not happy living here. I hate my house. I hate Louisville. I’m not making any friends. I’m not hanging out with my friends. I’m in debt. I took a 17k pay cut. I’ve gained 10 lbs since May. I drink too much. I have no energy when I get home and I can’t figure that one out…I sit on my ass all day. I’ll never be able to afford to retire. I’m single. I’m alone. I’m sad. I just want things to click and work out. I want easy and happy.
Both the boys didn’t do well on their progress reports. I blame me for moving here and not doing enough with them.
Ok, I’m done venting.
Tomorrow, no alcohol, watch what I eat, attempt to run again. Today’s attempt to run was pathetic and just made me jiggle all over. I can’t even run a block.
I wonder if I’ll be happier thinner or still be miserable. I wonder if I should look for a new job.
I’m taking a break from dating. But when I go back I’m not faking interest. I’m not going to give it up so quickly;) I’m not introducing anyone to my boys. I’m not going to wait on anyone. I’m not going to settle.