It’s 12 am. I wake up. Suddenly I can’t sleep. For some reason the thought of telling Jake is brother is different than most kids and I need hon to take up for him enters my mind.
At what age do I tell him? How do I tell him. He doesn’t know.
The thought of this bothers me and I begin to cry.
Jackson’s such as awesome boy. I don’t him to be teased. I don’t want him being made fun of.
I’m telling God or the universe this as I sit up in bed crying.
Then I let out my little pity prayer too. To no longer do this alone. To have someone to help me and support me. I know it’s a selfish reason to want someone I’m just tired of doing this all alone.
Then I feel guilty because I know my mother’s helping but she enables some of their behavior by giving in and spoiling them. I need someone to discipline them. I know that takes time, to bond with someone and give them that permission, I think that’s why I want someone now. I want to begin trusting them, knowing them. Letting him know the boys. It’s a stupid reason to ask for God or the universe to send you someone but this is usually my daily thoughts or prayer. I know I’m doing good in my own. I know I’m doing all I can but I don’t always feel good enough and like I said I’d just like sometime to support me, to be on my team.
It’s a lot to ask. Especially when you’re not religious, lol! But I ask and I try to be good enough for someone every day.
Oh well. I’m one of those people that has to vent and who’s going to listen to listen to me at midnight? You fine folks. You all help me more than you know. Thank you.