Maybe I Don’t Understand

And I need someone to teach me, tell me, show me how not to be bitter any longer! I’m tired of feeling sorry for my son and myself and my boys in general because Jackson was born with so many problems, he’s disabled, they lost their father to drugs, I lived with an alcoholic/drug addict, losing my father, having the person who said he liked me for what and who I was leave me and it not see it as a reflection on me. I need someone to tell me how not to be tired of learning new things about my son, being worried I’m depriving the other son of good attention and yelling and asking too much of him because he’s “typical”. I’m tired of not feeling pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, strong enough, good enough, there enough, perfect enough.

Maybe one of you could offer me some advice. Maybe I can quit crying at the thought of him and the sound of his name 5 months later. I’m tired of having to kill all the fucking spiders in this house. I’m tired of being scared to answer the door. I want to hear something in the middle of the night and have someone else go check it out. I want someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything is going to fucking be alright.

I don’t understand why someone who called you the nicest person he’s ever dated would leave!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t understand why he’d call me a catch and beautiful and then fucking end us over a fucking phone call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What kind of man does that????????????? A fucking pussy! He slept with me, shared my bed, must have pitied me or USED me! USED ME! To be such an asshole as to tell someone that he hopes you find someone that really loves you. Who does that? I hope he gets his heart broken one day and hard by someone he gave his all to, someone he idolized and respected, I hope one day he learns and feels HALF as bad as he has left me.

I pray my son recovers, stays as happy as he is and always been. I pray nothing changes him. I pray he lives a long, fulfilling life.

I pray Jake knows I love him and envy him with his carefree personality and contagious smile.

I pray my dad knows how much I miss him and how much I loved him and continue to.

I have to stop. I’m all cried out at the moment.

2 thoughts on “Maybe I Don’t Understand

  1. I’m sorry, I wish words could make things better for you.
    Just try to believe things will truly get better for you. Just hold on. And believe in yourself and what a fantastic mum you are being to your boys.
    Just take a day at a time, I promise there will be better days to come.
    Sending you love and strength

    Liked by 1 person

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