Abandonment

It’s easy to lie in bed at night thinking of what you did wrong, what have you done to deserve this. Being abandoned.

It started years ago in kindergarten with my mother threatening to send me if I didn’t tell her why I was humming during head’s down time at our table. I remember crying, begging her to not send me away while laying on top of a suitcase she was threatening to pack for me.

Friends have stopped texting.

No matches on dating sites.

Am I ugly?

Am I that fat?

Am I that awful to be around?

Living in fear of doing wrong and being sent away. Messing something up and getting fired. Getting attached and getting hurt.

I’m already dreading Monday. I hate thinking like this and living like this. I wish I could shut it all off. I didn’t leave the house today. I napped. I screamed at the boys to clean up. Screamed. The anxiety. Knowing I owe 4k in medical bills now. Not knowing how to Skype for an interview I have Monday. Knowing I’ll never be able to afford retirement.

All things I think about when I’m supposed to be sleeping. Tired of thinking this way, not tired enough to sleep.

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