Alone Time

It took me years after the boy’s father died to accept the fact I can’t do what most parents can. I can’t walk around the block to blow off steam at a moment’s notice. I can’t go for a pedicure unless it’s planned and I have a sitter. Going to the grocery store to pick something up I forgot in a recipe is hard. Running out of Tylenol when a child has a fever at midnight is no longer a quick run to the store. Everything changed when he died.

I’ve gotten a lot better at accepting it. For almost three years I’ve tried everything to numb myself: alcohol, marijuana, sex with strangers, relationships. I’ve done everything but help myself in positive ways. I need to stay in therapy.

I’m waiting so badly to go off my meds. I’m wanting to try freeing my body of such awful drugs. I want to not have side effects. I want to see if I’d lose weight. If therapy helps the true underlying cause, my thoughts. But I think all of this is really chemical. But how much of it is thought?

I’m living paycheck to paycheck again but I splurged on Black Friday when Aveda was having a sale and purchased their Chakra 1 Pure-fume Mist. It has my favorite oil in it, patchouli, but it’s mixed with others and not very strong. This morning it brought me pleasure to spray it on.

I need more moments like that. Even sitting here inhaling it brings back memories of the hippie stores I visited as a teenager. Being carefree and happy. It reminds me of Jackson’s drum lessons, his instructor clearly burns incense;) Jackson loves going there.

I’m a little disappointed in myself for not working out this morning but I’ll work out tonight and i’ll watch what I eat today.

I really wish sales were a thing again. This romaine recall is for the birds.

I’m really enjoying not being on Facebook. I think I started my break on the 1st or 2nd. Last year my boyfriend at the time gave up alcohol and Facebook in January. Evidently this was something he did each year. I didn’t make the no alcohol rule last long but I keep the no Facebook pledge alive. I thought December would be good because at the moment I want to work on me and it felt right. The other benefit is I don’t have to see everyone’s fucking Elf on the Shelf photos. We don’t do it. I couldn’t commit to doing that every night being a working single mother. Fuck that;)

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