Reasoning With Myself

My anxiety is beyond my control at this moment or I feel it is. I just woke up at 1:00 from a dead sleep worrying about leaving something up at work, fearing l have already.

This is why I don’t like me. I can’t turn these thoughts off. I’m trying to tell myself to be realistic and nothing I could mess up would be life altering. I wouldn’t lose my job. But I’m lying here fearing that a phone call made today or a message I relayed was wrong and my boss or someone will be mad at me. I’m really obsessing over this and one message I relayed to my boss.

I emailed a company to see if a position was still available. I need to make more money. But the thought of the responsibility that comes along with making more money makes me not want to even interview. I’ve jumped from job to job since going back to work after my children were born thinking I had to escape before they realized I was doing a bad job or that I was messing something up. I keep thinking I’ll be happier somewhere else. It never works. I still battle me. If I could quit working I think I’d be ok. But of course that means no income. I really, really, really hate feeling like this and all the panic attacks, stress, heart racing, sleep loss that comes with it.

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