January 4

Rest day.

The longest day. Work drug. The evening drug. I couldn’t wait to get up here in bed.

I’m depressed. I don’t look forward to weekends anymore knowing I’m alone. I try to make things to do but I know at the end of the day I’ll be alone at home with the boys when others are out living their lives and having fun.

I have extreme anxiety about next week. I’m interviewing for another job. One that will catch me with my previous income. I want to quit living paycheck to paycheck. Plus, I hate my job. I just don’t know if I’ll like this one better. And I’m having to lie. I’m telling my boss I have a doctor’s appointment when I’m interviewing. I have to sneak away for a Skype interview. I’m worried my app won’t work or I won’t know how to use it. I’m stressed about Monday already. I’m worried about getting up in time for church Sunday. I was a repeat of last Sunday. But I think that was so great because I didn’t have to go to work Monday.

And I’m sober tonight. I thought maybe I’d only drink when bought drinks. I won’t buy them myself. I won’t keep any in the house this month.

I want so desperately to lose weight and be confident again. So badly.

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