January 6

130 kettlebell swings. Is it kettlebell or kettle bell? Idk.

I love my bed in the mornings I can’t wake up or at night as I’m crawling in it but hate it on nights like tonight when I can’t get back to sleep.

I did have a strong desire to pick up a 6 pack on the way home from the park today. It was sunny today and in the 50’s. I texted a friend who’s doing the sober January thing too and he said go to the gym. I can’t do I came home and did my swings. I’m proud of myself. All of this better fucking pay off and I lose something by this time next month is all I’m saying!

January 5

120 kettle bell swings.

Homemade chicken enchilada soup for dinner.

Christmas decorations are down. It was pretty out today but I cleaned the kitchen and took a nap.

I’ve got to peel my youngest away from the TV and my computer.

I found myself cussing the lady across the street. In her 5 bedroom home, her brand new Lexus, fake boobs, thin frame. I saw her outside on her front porch smoking at least 4 times today. She has a job in social media for a jewelry store part time. Must be nice. I shouldn’t be jealous or envious. I know I shouldn’t but I want new cars and a husband that helps around the house and provides for me. I’m tired of doing it all on my own.

January 4

Rest day.

The longest day. Work drug. The evening drug. I couldn’t wait to get up here in bed.

I’m depressed. I don’t look forward to weekends anymore knowing I’m alone. I try to make things to do but I know at the end of the day I’ll be alone at home with the boys when others are out living their lives and having fun.

I have extreme anxiety about next week. I’m interviewing for another job. One that will catch me with my previous income. I want to quit living paycheck to paycheck. Plus, I hate my job. I just don’t know if I’ll like this one better. And I’m having to lie. I’m telling my boss I have a doctor’s appointment when I’m interviewing. I have to sneak away for a Skype interview. I’m worried my app won’t work or I won’t know how to use it. I’m stressed about Monday already. I’m worried about getting up in time for church Sunday. I was a repeat of last Sunday. But I think that was so great because I didn’t have to go to work Monday.

And I’m sober tonight. I thought maybe I’d only drink when bought drinks. I won’t buy them myself. I won’t keep any in the house this month.

I want so desperately to lose weight and be confident again. So badly.

Lime Tonic Water

I’m looking a little snobby sipping my water with a lime in it but this is what I’m drinking at work when I’m tired of ice water. It’s some lime or berry flavored seltzer water (or flavor of your choice) with an ounce or two of tonic water and a wedge of lime. The only calories come from the lime and tonic water which to me are insignificant because I want a refreshing change and it’s not a Coke (my addiction) or a Big Red.

A girl made this for me poolside one day last summer when I was trying not to drink (when I thought I was an alcoholic). It makes me feel like I’m drinking something a little more special.

January 3

Well, I went on a date and had 2 beers so that didn’t last long! I’m trying not to be mad at myself and believe in grace. Lol.

Alas, ot was pizza and beer and a nice, kind but that tried eating my face off for a goodbye kiss. It. Was. Awful. My face was red for hours around my mouth.

110 kettle bell swings. I’m still at 160 lbs. I liked myself to 2 medium sized slices last night. I’ve been eating a lot of vegetables. Maybe next week I’ll drop a pound.

Reasoning With Myself

My anxiety is beyond my control at this moment or I feel it is. I just woke up at 1:00 from a dead sleep worrying about leaving something up at work, fearing l have already.

This is why I don’t like me. I can’t turn these thoughts off. I’m trying to tell myself to be realistic and nothing I could mess up would be life altering. I wouldn’t lose my job. But I’m lying here fearing that a phone call made today or a message I relayed was wrong and my boss or someone will be mad at me. I’m really obsessing over this and one message I relayed to my boss.

I emailed a company to see if a position was still available. I need to make more money. But the thought of the responsibility that comes along with making more money makes me not want to even interview. I’ve jumped from job to job since going back to work after my children were born thinking I had to escape before they realized I was doing a bad job or that I was messing something up. I keep thinking I’ll be happier somewhere else. It never works. I still battle me. If I could quit working I think I’d be ok. But of course that means no income. I really, really, really hate feeling like this and all the panic attacks, stress, heart racing, sleep loss that comes with it.