Dear Diary

Taking advantage of my employer’s EAP. Employee assistance program and getting 5 free therapy sessions.

Today, like many other days, I wanted to die.

I just woke up hating myself. Hating my job. Hating my financial situation. Hating my house. Hating my life. I screamed at Jake because he couldn’t find his coat. He cried. I felt guilty for doing this all day long. I couldn’t wait to get off work and apologize to him.

I can’t explain what all goes through my head. The hate and disappointment I have for myself. The hate for my brain for making me think things. Like Adam, why the fuck do I still think about him? Why every night do thoughts of him leaving me enter my mind? Why does my brain allow this to hurt me over and over and fucking over again?

Today it was suicide. I can’t tell you if I didn’t have my kids I’d be alive today. But I think I would because I’d have money and I’d be taking. But I probably wouldn’t. I’d probably be doing what I do now and questioning every God damn thing I do at work. Did I do it right? Did I forget this? When did I do that? Are they going to fire? When are they going to fire me? Why do they still employ me if I’m so awful. I forgot to put pics in a cease and desist letter today. My boss didn’t tell me he changed the wording. I’m losing sleep thinking of the repercussions of not including pics in a generic craze and desist letter. Should I mail it all out again tomorrow? Then they’ll question when the 15 days starts. Oh my God, I’m so pathetic. I can’t even mail a letter right.

I’m seeing a therapist tomorrow. I think it’s funny that even when you mention suicide they just schedule you for an appointment at a later date. Yeah, thanks. I can’t say I won’t be thinking of killing myself by then but I’ll try to hold it.

Truth is I could never, ever kill myself. Because of the boys. I won’t leave them. No matter my thoughts of myself. I try to ignore the fact that I’m going to live thinking and hurting myself bringing myself to yet another heart racing night of no sleep, anxiety attacks. No one’s going to want me. Especially if I have something that actually requires my story like doing exercises or completing workbooks. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to relive my past and my feelings. I don’t want to purposely think of how I think. I’m trying to push those thoughts away.

I vomited twice after dinner. I’m making myself physically sick. I really am living in my own self-created hell.

I bent to you today because I know I’m not alone. Because I’m trying to clear my head. Because I’m trying to make myself tired.

My heart is still racing. I know I won’t get much sleep tonight and that stresses me out.

Again, no one is ever going to want to be with me. It’s why I’ve been divorced twice. I can’t make a relationship last. Why I didn’t handle my dad’s death well and acted impulsively. Why I didn’t handle Jeff’s death well. The drinking, the eating, the sex, the drugs. All of it. I hate myself for all of it.

I’m going to try to close my eyes now. I took some propranolol. I don’t even see it working for me these days.

Therapy tomorrow means a lover lunch break which means making up time which means more sitting at my desk doing absolutely nothing but fucking up one single thing asked of me. I’m making myself want to vomit again.

This is a very, very personal post. I’m hesitant in publishing it. But I kind of want to see if I’m not alone. I know the thoughts aren’t normal. But I can’t be the only person who thinks this way. I can’t be alone. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be alone in my life. I have so much love to give. I want it in return. I just don’t know if I’m deserving of it or worth the hell I could potentially put someone through with my anxiety and constant reassurance that they’ll never leave, they love me for who I am on my good days and those days are worth going through the bad with me.

Ugh, to publish or not to publish? I might leave it public for a while. We’ll see.

Ok, so this eating whatever I want thing isn’t going well. I scarfed down a salad last night for dinner and another for lunch. I realized I haven’t been eating vegetables and fruits and it’s beginning to make my stomach hurt and just making me feel gross to be honest. This lifestyle is not healthy but so common. I feel the need to brush my teeth 10 times a day. I’m not actually doing it though. Next week’s trip to the grocery is definitely going to yield different results.

I’m also reading a lot about the connection of a healthy thyroid, Hashimoto’s Disease (which I have) and a gluten free diet. I’ve been eating a lot of carbs and wheats, malts and pasta lately. Maybe I switch things up. After all, what could it hurt?

I also feel the need to tell you all about my drinking. I’m drinking only a couple times a week. I had one beer tonight fixing dinner. That’s it. I had a few Friday and Saturday. I frankly can’t afford to drink and haven’t wanted to. I don’t even get that great a buzz off a few beers and I don’t want to buy bourbon. I’ve been buying red wine to drink while fixing dinner during the week. It’s not been bad but drinking isn’t masking anything for me anymore. I’m not terribly depressed or sad anymore. I’m not unhappy with my job. I just haven’t wanted to drink. I sure as hell don’t want a hangover.

This Weekend

I was terribly lazy this weekend. I liked working and I no longer have that socialization or confidence of more income.

I feel like trash because of my mother’s story.

I’m still hurt as much as I want to get past him breaking up with me I don’t feel closure. Enough time has passed. Why am I still clinging to this? I’d message him everything I’ve told you. And also my theory that he cheated on me. Why wasn’t I good enough? What was wrong with me?

I’m in charge of a 6 office move tomorrow. My boss’s first project for me. I’m nervous. My anxiety is heightened.

I want to be over him. I want a second job with more money. Jackson’s dental procedure last month is costing me an additional $1700 for anesthesia. I don’t know what I’m going to do.