In desperate need of a break from the boys I asked my mom to watch the boys. I decided to color my hair then go Christmas shopping. I stopped by a Cracker Barrel for chicken and dumplings. Healthy, I know but so good.
So here I sit. I’m visiting their store after eating because when we were here a few weeks ago I got several pictures of the boys with toys they wanted. I ordered what I could from Amazon now I’m here to get the rest.
Grocery store after this then home to wrap presents and hide them. I love that the boys still believe in Santa but sometimes it would be easier if they didn’t. I’ll take them little and believing. They enjoy it. I saw a post on Facebook from another special needs mom whose 23 year old son still believes in Santa. I wonder how long Jackson will and how would Jake not ever tell him. I’ll worry about that at another time. Today, I’m enjoying the quiet and calm.
I was terribly lazy this weekend. I liked working and I no longer have that socialization or confidence of more income.
I feel like trash because of my mother’s story.
I’m still hurt as much as I want to get past him breaking up with me I don’t feel closure. Enough time has passed. Why am I still clinging to this? I’d message him everything I’ve told you. And also my theory that he cheated on me. Why wasn’t I good enough? What was wrong with me?
I’m in charge of a 6 office move tomorrow. My boss’s first project for me. I’m nervous. My anxiety is heightened.
I want to be over him. I want a second job with more money. Jackson’s dental procedure last month is costing me an additional $1700 for anesthesia. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
No chiari malformation. Grown brain, growing skull. Neurologist said HGH was a splendid idea.
First shot down. We’re starting here.
I’m going to have to quit my second job. My mom’s exhusband went after her today in front of the boys while she was watching then at work. She had to call the cops. The boys said they grabbed pans and locked themselves inside the house. Hunter, 10, my half brother, grabbed a knife. His own father.
He’s brought a gun out and threatened to kill them both at least one other time and she called the cops.
I’m fearful of leaving the boys with her and him coming over. They’re my whole reason for living. I don’t want anything to happen to my mother or half brother but I can prevent something happening from happening to my boys by quitting my job.
I’ve already called in tomorrow. I feel awful but he might be released from jail and I know his truck is still at her house. She’s let him back in her house before. I can’t trust her not to allow him in there again. He preys on her. He knows she’s kind and wants him in Hunter’s life but he’s an alcoholic and maybe worse because he was on meth once before.
Said he had a condition that made him lose his teeth, yeah ok.
This pisses me off and upsets me because I need the money. I needed it for Christmas badly. I don’t know what I’ll do know. I’ve maxed out a credit card because of medical deductibles.
I’d look for another job but they’re so accommodating of my time off with Jackson. I know this won’t last forever. The doctor’s are still in their discovery phase of learning about a child with Goldenhar’s.
I need some help. I’d sell my house but I know it’ll never sell in a short time. I’d hate to pull the kids out of another school. I don’t think that’s the wisest thing to do. I’m also fearful of not giving the boys a good Christmas.
No drinking, no sitters, no dates, no new clothes, no name brand products, no foods I want to eat but only that which I can afford to eat. We’ll just go back to living le this again.
And I need someone to teach me, tell me, show me how not to be bitter any longer! I’m tired of feeling sorry for my son and myself and my boys in general because Jackson was born with so many problems, he’s disabled, they lost their father to drugs, I lived with an alcoholic/drug addict, losing my father, having the person who said he liked me for what and who I was leave me and it not see it as a reflection on me. I need someone to tell me how not to be tired of learning new things about my son, being worried I’m depriving the other son of good attention and yelling and asking too much of him because he’s “typical”. I’m tired of not feeling pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, strong enough, good enough, there enough, perfect enough.
Maybe one of you could offer me some advice. Maybe I can quit crying at the thought of him and the sound of his name 5 months later. I’m tired of having to kill all the fucking spiders in this house. I’m tired of being scared to answer the door. I want to hear something in the middle of the night and have someone else go check it out. I want someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything is going to fucking be alright.
I don’t understand why someone who called you the nicest person he’s ever dated would leave!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t understand why he’d call me a catch and beautiful and then fucking end us over a fucking phone call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What kind of man does that????????????? A fucking pussy! He slept with me, shared my bed, must have pitied me or USED me! USED ME! To be such an asshole as to tell someone that he hopes you find someone that really loves you. Who does that? I hope he gets his heart broken one day and hard by someone he gave his all to, someone he idolized and respected, I hope one day he learns and feels HALF as bad as he has left me.
I pray my son recovers, stays as happy as he is and always been. I pray nothing changes him. I pray he lives a long, fulfilling life.
I pray Jake knows I love him and envy him with his carefree personality and contagious smile.
I pray my dad knows how much I miss him and how much I loved him and continue to.
I have to stop. I’m all cried out at the moment.
My dad died of a heart attack 13 years ago. He would have been 60 today. I can’t explain the way I’m feeling.
I’m sad because of him. I’m sad for the boys. I can’t figure out why I’m still so hurt after being dumped back in May. I’m stressed and worried because of money and Jackson’s recent diagnosis. I was home yesterday with him because he threw up and was running a fever. We slept most of the day.
I feel alone. I feel mad. I feel betrayed and hurt. I feel used. I feel sick.
I’m still pissed. Because Dad died too young. Because I feel I was being used in my last relationship and he hurt me and I’ve not had closure. I feel ashamed. I feel regretful. I feel I’ve hurt someone’s feelings recently.
I’m just feeling a lot of things today. Too many things.