Up For Renewal

So, my WordPress blog link is up for renewal. That’s like $100. But I owe 4k is medical bills and our Homeowner’s Association fees are due and I’m not sure if I’m impacting anyone’s lives and should continue this. I really, really the venting and the feeling that I’m helping some of you. But I just wanted to let you know in case you don’t hear from me again. I love you all. I had to quit my previous blog and it killed me. Like, true tears and my exboyfriend had to hold me to console me.

We’ll see.

Christmas Past

Well, that’s over.

Jake was sick Saturday morning. Jackson got sick Christmas morning. So he and I started home from the holiday festivities at my mom’s house. My aunt picked Jake up on the way. They brought back presents and food:)

Overall, the boys had a great day. They got almost everything they wanted.

My mom brought me over some presents to open on Christmas morning so I got a few things.

I was helped out by 2 churches this year which has me rethinking my thoughts on religion and God.

Jackson’s medical bills from this year alone total 4k. My great aunt delivered food and $100 dollars to help me out.

The local baptist church had a toy drive. I was asked to partake in the giveaway. I got lots of presents, stocking stuffers, school supplies, books and even wrapping paper all for $20. I was escorted around by a volunteer. She hugged me at the end. I had to turn around and leave. I cried the whole way back to my house.

I can’t believe people are so nice and giving.

I looked at the presents I had wrapped for the boys and was going to give them before adding the church’s presents. They didn’t have much. I’m glad I took the church up on their offer.

The boys thanked me and Santa 10 times yesterday. I’m raising grateful boys. I hope to tell them about this Christmas when they get older.

In the meantime, I think we’ll be going to church.

I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday. I hope New Year’s is great for everyone too. I’ll write more on the new year later:)

Sunday Silence

In desperate need of a break from the boys I asked my mom to watch the boys. I decided to color my hair then go Christmas shopping. I stopped by a Cracker Barrel for chicken and dumplings. Healthy, I know but so good.

So here I sit. I’m visiting their store after eating because when we were here a few weeks ago I got several pictures of the boys with toys they wanted. I ordered what I could from Amazon now I’m here to get the rest.

Grocery store after this then home to wrap presents and hide them. I love that the boys still believe in Santa but sometimes it would be easier if they didn’t. I’ll take them little and believing. They enjoy it. I saw a post on Facebook from another special needs mom whose 23 year old son still believes in Santa. I wonder how long Jackson will and how would Jake not ever tell him. I’ll worry about that at another time. Today, I’m enjoying the quiet and calm.

This Weekend

I was terribly lazy this weekend. I liked working and I no longer have that socialization or confidence of more income.

I feel like trash because of my mother’s story.

I’m still hurt as much as I want to get past him breaking up with me I don’t feel closure. Enough time has passed. Why am I still clinging to this? I’d message him everything I’ve told you. And also my theory that he cheated on me. Why wasn’t I good enough? What was wrong with me?

I’m in charge of a 6 office move tomorrow. My boss’s first project for me. I’m nervous. My anxiety is heightened.

I want to be over him. I want a second job with more money. Jackson’s dental procedure last month is costing me an additional $1700 for anesthesia. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Disappointment

I’m going to have to quit my second job. My mom’s exhusband went after her today in front of the boys while she was watching then at work. She had to call the cops. The boys said they grabbed pans and locked themselves inside the house. Hunter, 10, my half brother, grabbed a knife. His own father.

He’s brought a gun out and threatened to kill them both at least one other time and she called the cops.

I’m fearful of leaving the boys with her and him coming over. They’re my whole reason for living. I don’t want anything to happen to my mother or half brother but I can prevent something happening from happening to my boys by quitting my job.

I’ve already called in tomorrow. I feel awful but he might be released from jail and I know his truck is still at her house. She’s let him back in her house before. I can’t trust her not to allow him in there again. He preys on her. He knows she’s kind and wants him in Hunter’s life but he’s an alcoholic and maybe worse because he was on meth once before.

Said he had a condition that made him lose his teeth, yeah ok.

This pisses me off and upsets me because I need the money. I needed it for Christmas badly. I don’t know what I’ll do know. I’ve maxed out a credit card because of medical deductibles.

I’d look for another job but they’re so accommodating of my time off with Jackson. I know this won’t last forever. The doctor’s are still in their discovery phase of learning about a child with Goldenhar’s.

I need some help. I’d sell my house but I know it’ll never sell in a short time. I’d hate to pull the kids out of another school. I don’t think that’s the wisest thing to do. I’m also fearful of not giving the boys a good Christmas.

No drinking, no sitters, no dates, no new clothes, no name brand products, no foods I want to eat but only that which I can afford to eat. We’ll just go back to living le this again.