This Weekend

I was terribly lazy this weekend. I liked working and I no longer have that socialization or confidence of more income.

I feel like trash because of my mother’s story.

I’m still hurt as much as I want to get past him breaking up with me I don’t feel closure. Enough time has passed. Why am I still clinging to this? I’d message him everything I’ve told you. And also my theory that he cheated on me. Why wasn’t I good enough? What was wrong with me?

I’m in charge of a 6 office move tomorrow. My boss’s first project for me. I’m nervous. My anxiety is heightened.

I want to be over him. I want a second job with more money. Jackson’s dental procedure last month is costing me an additional $1700 for anesthesia. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Disappointment

I’m going to have to quit my second job. My mom’s exhusband went after her today in front of the boys while she was watching then at work. She had to call the cops. The boys said they grabbed pans and locked themselves inside the house. Hunter, 10, my half brother, grabbed a knife. His own father.

He’s brought a gun out and threatened to kill them both at least one other time and she called the cops.

I’m fearful of leaving the boys with her and him coming over. They’re my whole reason for living. I don’t want anything to happen to my mother or half brother but I can prevent something happening from happening to my boys by quitting my job.

I’ve already called in tomorrow. I feel awful but he might be released from jail and I know his truck is still at her house. She’s let him back in her house before. I can’t trust her not to allow him in there again. He preys on her. He knows she’s kind and wants him in Hunter’s life but he’s an alcoholic and maybe worse because he was on meth once before.

Said he had a condition that made him lose his teeth, yeah ok.

This pisses me off and upsets me because I need the money. I needed it for Christmas badly. I don’t know what I’ll do know. I’ve maxed out a credit card because of medical deductibles.

I’d look for another job but they’re so accommodating of my time off with Jackson. I know this won’t last forever. The doctor’s are still in their discovery phase of learning about a child with Goldenhar’s.

I need some help. I’d sell my house but I know it’ll never sell in a short time. I’d hate to pull the kids out of another school. I don’t think that’s the wisest thing to do. I’m also fearful of not giving the boys a good Christmas.

No drinking, no sitters, no dates, no new clothes, no name brand products, no foods I want to eat but only that which I can afford to eat. We’ll just go back to living le this again.

Maybe I Don’t Understand

And I need someone to teach me, tell me, show me how not to be bitter any longer! I’m tired of feeling sorry for my son and myself and my boys in general because Jackson was born with so many problems, he’s disabled, they lost their father to drugs, I lived with an alcoholic/drug addict, losing my father, having the person who said he liked me for what and who I was leave me and it not see it as a reflection on me. I need someone to tell me how not to be tired of learning new things about my son, being worried I’m depriving the other son of good attention and yelling and asking too much of him because he’s “typical”. I’m tired of not feeling pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, strong enough, good enough, there enough, perfect enough.

Maybe one of you could offer me some advice. Maybe I can quit crying at the thought of him and the sound of his name 5 months later. I’m tired of having to kill all the fucking spiders in this house. I’m tired of being scared to answer the door. I want to hear something in the middle of the night and have someone else go check it out. I want someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything is going to fucking be alright.

I don’t understand why someone who called you the nicest person he’s ever dated would leave!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t understand why he’d call me a catch and beautiful and then fucking end us over a fucking phone call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What kind of man does that????????????? A fucking pussy! He slept with me, shared my bed, must have pitied me or USED me! USED ME! To be such an asshole as to tell someone that he hopes you find someone that really loves you. Who does that? I hope he gets his heart broken one day and hard by someone he gave his all to, someone he idolized and respected, I hope one day he learns and feels HALF as bad as he has left me.

I pray my son recovers, stays as happy as he is and always been. I pray nothing changes him. I pray he lives a long, fulfilling life.

I pray Jake knows I love him and envy him with his carefree personality and contagious smile.

I pray my dad knows how much I miss him and how much I loved him and continue to.

I have to stop. I’m all cried out at the moment.

I read an interview today with a guy that survived the Las Vegas shooting. He said if he sits in a dark room alone eventually his mind goes back to the day.

I wondered what my life event would be. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. Which I feel kind of awful about because I haven’t done anything brave or heroic like fight overseas or witness a life being taken. Only a few close people near me have died. Years ago I would have thought of my dad in that dark room. That would have been my life event. But these I find myself cussing Jeff a lot, the boy’s father who died of an accidental overdose 3 years ago. I find myself looking at the boys and thinking, “Look at what you’re missing. Look what you missed out on.” I wonder how many times I asked him to quit taking pills or the fight, my God the fights, hollow many times I just wanted him present. How selfish could one person be? But then I think about the times I’ve driven drunk. How selfish of me. How foolish and stupid. To risk never seeing these boys again.

So, I got a call today. Jackson’s doctor wants a MRI done to make sure his brain is ok before starting him on the hgh. $600. Out of pocket. Which, it’s for a good cause but I want to know if I’m even going to be able to afford the hgh before spending this money. It’s $398 for every endocrinologist office visit. It was $1000 last month to pay for the hgh test. This second job is just going to pay for medical bills. Screw playing down my debt.

And all of this just to give him a shot every day. Do you know how terrified of needles he is? The starter kit came today. The pen itself, a backpack, a growth chart, the needle disposer container. He thought the backpack and growth chart was cool. I’ve promised him ice cream after every successful shot. I’m going to have to keep ice cream on hand. Plus, it’ll fatten him up;) I’ve asked for a nurse to come over and give me a refresher. I asked my mom to come so she can administer the shots when they’re spending the night at his house.

I remember the first time. I remember Jeff holding Jackson and the pen in hand. I remember the nurse counting to 3. I remember Jeff immediately sticking the needle in. I was surprised. I would have flinched or chickened out and needed more time. I thought of how it was easier for him because he was braver than me. Or because he injected himself multiple times when he was using illegal steroids…I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I pray things go smoothly, Jackson cooperates, he grows. I pray I can be like Jeff, like a strong father.