BPD

The moment when you bring up your irrational behavior and hate of yourself, the admission of not sleeping three nights because of fever anxiety offset by sleeping for hours during the day in a depressive mood and you mention just the title of the book your therapist recommended you read and both friends say, “Oh, you’re borderline” that suddenly everything clicks. Everything clicked. I’m almost certain I have and my doctor and therapist believe me to have borderline personality disorder.

If only this realization made me easier to love.

Ok, so this eating whatever I want thing isn’t going well. I scarfed down a salad last night for dinner and another for lunch. I realized I haven’t been eating vegetables and fruits and it’s beginning to make my stomach hurt and just making me feel gross to be honest. This lifestyle is not healthy but so common. I feel the need to brush my teeth 10 times a day. I’m not actually doing it though. Next week’s trip to the grocery is definitely going to yield different results.

I’m also reading a lot about the connection of a healthy thyroid, Hashimoto’s Disease (which I have) and a gluten free diet. I’ve been eating a lot of carbs and wheats, malts and pasta lately. Maybe I switch things up. After all, what could it hurt?

I also feel the need to tell you all about my drinking. I’m drinking only a couple times a week. I had one beer tonight fixing dinner. That’s it. I had a few Friday and Saturday. I frankly can’t afford to drink and haven’t wanted to. I don’t even get that great a buzz off a few beers and I don’t want to buy bourbon. I’ve been buying red wine to drink while fixing dinner during the week. It’s not been bad but drinking isn’t masking anything for me anymore. I’m not terribly depressed or sad anymore. I’m not unhappy with my job. I just haven’t wanted to drink. I sure as hell don’t want a hangover.

You

I’m trying to sleep tonight but my heart is racing. My mind is racing from thought to thought but one stays constant, I hate you.

I’m sure you’ve moved on now and are in the arms of someone else you think is deserving of you but I want you to know:

I hope she eats you alive. How dare you treat me the way you did? Blindside me. After months of confiding in you, sleeping with me you just dump me over the phone. You pathetic coward.

I don’t want you back. Would never want you back. I just want you to apologize for lying to me then hurting me. Lying in my bed for months, using me. Pretending to care then one day dump me. Over the fucking phone. I hope you get what’s coming. You deserve it.

I hope one day you’ll look back and regret being so mean and letting me go. I was good to you. I was too good for you. I was too nice, too kind.

You’re going to get hurt. You’re going to feel really bad one day. And I’m going to be loved, as much as I loved you by someone better than you in every way. Because you don’t deserve shit. You don’t deserve anything good happening to you.

Stay a piece of shit. Stay selfish and bad at so many things.

I wish I’d never met you.

Best,

Christina

Disappointment

I’m going to have to quit my second job. My mom’s exhusband went after her today in front of the boys while she was watching then at work. She had to call the cops. The boys said they grabbed pans and locked themselves inside the house. Hunter, 10, my half brother, grabbed a knife. His own father.

He’s brought a gun out and threatened to kill them both at least one other time and she called the cops.

I’m fearful of leaving the boys with her and him coming over. They’re my whole reason for living. I don’t want anything to happen to my mother or half brother but I can prevent something happening from happening to my boys by quitting my job.

I’ve already called in tomorrow. I feel awful but he might be released from jail and I know his truck is still at her house. She’s let him back in her house before. I can’t trust her not to allow him in there again. He preys on her. He knows she’s kind and wants him in Hunter’s life but he’s an alcoholic and maybe worse because he was on meth once before.

Said he had a condition that made him lose his teeth, yeah ok.

This pisses me off and upsets me because I need the money. I needed it for Christmas badly. I don’t know what I’ll do know. I’ve maxed out a credit card because of medical deductibles.

I’d look for another job but they’re so accommodating of my time off with Jackson. I know this won’t last forever. The doctor’s are still in their discovery phase of learning about a child with Goldenhar’s.

I need some help. I’d sell my house but I know it’ll never sell in a short time. I’d hate to pull the kids out of another school. I don’t think that’s the wisest thing to do. I’m also fearful of not giving the boys a good Christmas.

No drinking, no sitters, no dates, no new clothes, no name brand products, no foods I want to eat but only that which I can afford to eat. We’ll just go back to living le this again.