January 6

130 kettlebell swings. Is it kettlebell or kettle bell? Idk.

I love my bed in the mornings I can’t wake up or at night as I’m crawling in it but hate it on nights like tonight when I can’t get back to sleep.

I did have a strong desire to pick up a 6 pack on the way home from the park today. It was sunny today and in the 50’s. I texted a friend who’s doing the sober January thing too and he said go to the gym. I can’t do I came home and did my swings. I’m proud of myself. All of this better fucking pay off and I lose something by this time next month is all I’m saying!

January 5

120 kettle bell swings.

Homemade chicken enchilada soup for dinner.

Christmas decorations are down. It was pretty out today but I cleaned the kitchen and took a nap.

I’ve got to peel my youngest away from the TV and my computer.

I found myself cussing the lady across the street. In her 5 bedroom home, her brand new Lexus, fake boobs, thin frame. I saw her outside on her front porch smoking at least 4 times today. She has a job in social media for a jewelry store part time. Must be nice. I shouldn’t be jealous or envious. I know I shouldn’t but I want new cars and a husband that helps around the house and provides for me. I’m tired of doing it all on my own.

January 4

Rest day.

The longest day. Work drug. The evening drug. I couldn’t wait to get up here in bed.

I’m depressed. I don’t look forward to weekends anymore knowing I’m alone. I try to make things to do but I know at the end of the day I’ll be alone at home with the boys when others are out living their lives and having fun.

I have extreme anxiety about next week. I’m interviewing for another job. One that will catch me with my previous income. I want to quit living paycheck to paycheck. Plus, I hate my job. I just don’t know if I’ll like this one better. And I’m having to lie. I’m telling my boss I have a doctor’s appointment when I’m interviewing. I have to sneak away for a Skype interview. I’m worried my app won’t work or I won’t know how to use it. I’m stressed about Monday already. I’m worried about getting up in time for church Sunday. I was a repeat of last Sunday. But I think that was so great because I didn’t have to go to work Monday.

And I’m sober tonight. I thought maybe I’d only drink when bought drinks. I won’t buy them myself. I won’t keep any in the house this month.

I want so desperately to lose weight and be confident again. So badly.

Lime Tonic Water

I’m looking a little snobby sipping my water with a lime in it but this is what I’m drinking at work when I’m tired of ice water. It’s some lime or berry flavored seltzer water (or flavor of your choice) with an ounce or two of tonic water and a wedge of lime. The only calories come from the lime and tonic water which to me are insignificant because I want a refreshing change and it’s not a Coke (my addiction) or a Big Red.

A girl made this for me poolside one day last summer when I was trying not to drink (when I thought I was an alcoholic). It makes me feel like I’m drinking something a little more special.

January 3

Well, I went on a date and had 2 beers so that didn’t last long! I’m trying not to be mad at myself and believe in grace. Lol.

Alas, ot was pizza and beer and a nice, kind but that tried eating my face off for a goodbye kiss. It. Was. Awful. My face was red for hours around my mouth.

110 kettle bell swings. I’m still at 160 lbs. I liked myself to 2 medium sized slices last night. I’ve been eating a lot of vegetables. Maybe next week I’ll drop a pound.

January 2

100 kettle bell swings.

Vegetable quiche for dinner. Found the recipe on Pinterest. It had gruyere and goat cheese in it with sundried tomatoes, zucchini, onion and red pepper. Then you and fresh basil and thyme. I can’t believe I ate it.

I also can’t believe I’m still eating the shredded parmesan in my fridge. I had to buy more at the store and didn’t realize it soft when fresh lol. I thought it was hard. Oh well, it’s in a soup I’ll finish tomorrow. So far I’m not dead.

Fasting in the morning. Cholesterol check in the AM. Woohoo! Getting old. No, more like eating bad and not taking care of myself.

Meeting a guy for coffee tomorrow. Fingers crossed.