January 13

I painted my living room today and installed under cabinet lighting in my kitchen. Sobriety is expensive. I still managed to do a shit painting even though I want drinking.

Weighted myself this morning. Down a pound:) Started under my points today. Went to church. Now I’m just wondering why I’m alone. I’m wondering how to be ok being alone. What does it take? Why can’t I be happy alone? What the fuck is wrong with me?

My butt is getting better. I’m going to try working out tomorrow. Probably not kettlebell swings but something lighter.

Have a good night all, I’m sleepy.

January 12

My butt’s still hurting, no workouts. Managed to stay within my WW points today. I feel less bloated for sure. I’m still fat though, lol.

I sold a purse I used once upon a time and I spent the money at Pier 1 on Valentine’s Day decorations and candles.

The boys and I loved having Christmas decorations up so much I thought I’d decorate for every holiday. (Within reason.)

It snowed today. I had to make the boys wait till the sun came up before going outside. They loved it. It helped pretty fast though.

I’m taking a candlelight Epsom salt bath right now. I’ve got my brightening face mask on. Can I be honest? I haven’t showered since Thursday. It’s Saturday. I’m getting real tired of doing the same damn thing every day. I also like to sleep so it’s hard getting up.

We’re supposed to go to church tomorrow. I had to fill out the dreaded first time visitor card last week. We went shopping after church last week. There was a bag and newsletter on my door knob by the time we got home, a keychain flashlight. Monday I got an email thanking us for visiting. Thursday I got a handwritten thank you note from a church member. Is that a little excessive? I don’t want to be smothered. I also don’t want to be noticed for missing a Sunday either. I told a woman there last week I’d go to their Sunday school class. Guess I’ll do that shit tomorrow.

I’m doing good not thinking about him. I push the thoughts away when they enter my mind and think of something else. But even as I sit here a song plays and reminds me of him. Still stings.

I went on another date Thursday. Did I tell you all? The guy that tried sucking my lips off and tongue out? Omg. Awful.

I’m thinking of definitely getting off Tinder until I’m thin and over him. I’ll stay on eharmony. I think guys are genuinely looking to date there.

I just want someone to talk to and hang out with. I’m making friends on Tinder though. I guess that’s good. One guy lives kinda close and the other lives in Illinois. Sigh. I’m a terrific penpal.

January 11

They’re calling for snow tomorrow. I went to the grocery store for milk, eggs and bread like everyone else. But for the first time I didn’t buy beer. The thought of being cooped up in the house without beer doesn’t bother me.

I kept up with the Weight Watchers thing today. Didn’t do any exercises, my tailbone is still painful.

Probably taking a dog to the vet tomorrow for an eye infection.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

January 6

130 kettlebell swings. Is it kettlebell or kettle bell? Idk.

I love my bed in the mornings I can’t wake up or at night as I’m crawling in it but hate it on nights like tonight when I can’t get back to sleep.

I did have a strong desire to pick up a 6 pack on the way home from the park today. It was sunny today and in the 50’s. I texted a friend who’s doing the sober January thing too and he said go to the gym. I can’t do I came home and did my swings. I’m proud of myself. All of this better fucking pay off and I lose something by this time next month is all I’m saying!

January 4

Rest day.

The longest day. Work drug. The evening drug. I couldn’t wait to get up here in bed.

I’m depressed. I don’t look forward to weekends anymore knowing I’m alone. I try to make things to do but I know at the end of the day I’ll be alone at home with the boys when others are out living their lives and having fun.

I have extreme anxiety about next week. I’m interviewing for another job. One that will catch me with my previous income. I want to quit living paycheck to paycheck. Plus, I hate my job. I just don’t know if I’ll like this one better. And I’m having to lie. I’m telling my boss I have a doctor’s appointment when I’m interviewing. I have to sneak away for a Skype interview. I’m worried my app won’t work or I won’t know how to use it. I’m stressed about Monday already. I’m worried about getting up in time for church Sunday. I was a repeat of last Sunday. But I think that was so great because I didn’t have to go to work Monday.

And I’m sober tonight. I thought maybe I’d only drink when bought drinks. I won’t buy them myself. I won’t keep any in the house this month.

I want so desperately to lose weight and be confident again. So badly.