Ok, so this eating whatever I want thing isn’t going well. I scarfed down a salad last night for dinner and another for lunch. I realized I haven’t been eating vegetables and fruits and it’s beginning to make my stomach hurt and just making me feel gross to be honest. This lifestyle is not healthy but so common. I feel the need to brush my teeth 10 times a day. I’m not actually doing it though. Next week’s trip to the grocery is definitely going to yield different results.

I’m also reading a lot about the connection of a healthy thyroid, Hashimoto’s Disease (which I have) and a gluten free diet. I’ve been eating a lot of carbs and wheats, malts and pasta lately. Maybe I switch things up. After all, what could it hurt?

I also feel the need to tell you all about my drinking. I’m drinking only a couple times a week. I had one beer tonight fixing dinner. That’s it. I had a few Friday and Saturday. I frankly can’t afford to drink and haven’t wanted to. I don’t even get that great a buzz off a few beers and I don’t want to buy bourbon. I’ve been buying red wine to drink while fixing dinner during the week. It’s not been bad but drinking isn’t masking anything for me anymore. I’m not terribly depressed or sad anymore. I’m not unhappy with my job. I just haven’t wanted to drink. I sure as hell don’t want a hangover.

Maybe I Don’t Understand

And I need someone to teach me, tell me, show me how not to be bitter any longer! I’m tired of feeling sorry for my son and myself and my boys in general because Jackson was born with so many problems, he’s disabled, they lost their father to drugs, I lived with an alcoholic/drug addict, losing my father, having the person who said he liked me for what and who I was leave me and it not see it as a reflection on me. I need someone to tell me how not to be tired of learning new things about my son, being worried I’m depriving the other son of good attention and yelling and asking too much of him because he’s “typical”. I’m tired of not feeling pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, strong enough, good enough, there enough, perfect enough.

Maybe one of you could offer me some advice. Maybe I can quit crying at the thought of him and the sound of his name 5 months later. I’m tired of having to kill all the fucking spiders in this house. I’m tired of being scared to answer the door. I want to hear something in the middle of the night and have someone else go check it out. I want someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything is going to fucking be alright.

I don’t understand why someone who called you the nicest person he’s ever dated would leave!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t understand why he’d call me a catch and beautiful and then fucking end us over a fucking phone call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What kind of man does that????????????? A fucking pussy! He slept with me, shared my bed, must have pitied me or USED me! USED ME! To be such an asshole as to tell someone that he hopes you find someone that really loves you. Who does that? I hope he gets his heart broken one day and hard by someone he gave his all to, someone he idolized and respected, I hope one day he learns and feels HALF as bad as he has left me.

I pray my son recovers, stays as happy as he is and always been. I pray nothing changes him. I pray he lives a long, fulfilling life.

I pray Jake knows I love him and envy him with his carefree personality and contagious smile.

I pray my dad knows how much I miss him and how much I loved him and continue to.

I have to stop. I’m all cried out at the moment.

Day 18, Again

156 lbs. Maintained, can’t be mad.

Three beers yesterday and I bought a 12 pack.

I’m lonely. Very lonely. I’m working my second job, have little free time and I’m missing my Tennessee friends and having a boyfriend to vent to or even get a hug from.

Saturday at my second job, a man came up behind me to thank me for helping him and he touched my shoulder. I was suddenly taken aback because I want expecting a touch and I was surprised at my reaction. Then I wondered how long it has been since I’ve felt a wanted touch. I couldn’t remember.

I’m getting tired of worrying about money, how much Jackson’s hgh is going to cost me, just everything.

My psychiatrist took me off propranolol. I think it’s making me anxious again. I can take it as needed but haven’t wanted to. I think I might have to take one occasionally. When did we grow up and life get so complicated?

Day 15, Again

Hello, there!

So apart from the wine I’ve done pretty well thus far this week. Oh, and some ice cream. I weighed myself this morning and still at 156. Ugh. I wanted to be one more pound down at least. I still have the weekend.

I think I’ll pick up some wine tonight, lol. Just because it’s Friday. I need to do a little bit of cleaning tonight. Jake has a soccer game tomorrow morning and I work at 12. My aunt is spending the night tomorrow night so sure can watch the boys Sunday for me. I open and work till 2.

I got paid from my new job today. It was only for 4 hours. It’s almost laughable but I’ll take it.

I’m waiting to hear of Jackson’s hgh has been approved. Genotropin is out. I guess insurance wants to try him on something more generic. I’m waiting to see how much it’ll cost me. I’ve got the rest of the year budgeted and any deviation will screw me up. We’ll see.

Did I tell you all Saturday night guy wants to see me AND other women, since he travels for work. I guess that entitles him? Wtf. I don’t know why I try. I really don’t.

Day 13, Again

I drank a whole bottle of cabernet sauvignon. Yeah, I’m not proud but I’m feeling good.

Sat out with my neighbors. Enjoyed myself. Realized how much I miss Tennessee.

I had a 10 year plan to move back, 5 year to move to Florida. I want to go home.

I want to get out of debt and save money and go home to Nashville. I see that happening in 3 to 5 years. I miss it so much and my friends.

I’ll keep you posted.