Maybe I Don’t Understand

And I need someone to teach me, tell me, show me how not to be bitter any longer! I’m tired of feeling sorry for my son and myself and my boys in general because Jackson was born with so many problems, he’s disabled, they lost their father to drugs, I lived with an alcoholic/drug addict, losing my father, having the person who said he liked me for what and who I was leave me and it not see it as a reflection on me. I need someone to tell me how not to be tired of learning new things about my son, being worried I’m depriving the other son of good attention and yelling and asking too much of him because he’s “typical”. I’m tired of not feeling pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, strong enough, good enough, there enough, perfect enough.

Maybe one of you could offer me some advice. Maybe I can quit crying at the thought of him and the sound of his name 5 months later. I’m tired of having to kill all the fucking spiders in this house. I’m tired of being scared to answer the door. I want to hear something in the middle of the night and have someone else go check it out. I want someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything is going to fucking be alright.

I don’t understand why someone who called you the nicest person he’s ever dated would leave!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t understand why he’d call me a catch and beautiful and then fucking end us over a fucking phone call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What kind of man does that????????????? A fucking pussy! He slept with me, shared my bed, must have pitied me or USED me! USED ME! To be such an asshole as to tell someone that he hopes you find someone that really loves you. Who does that? I hope he gets his heart broken one day and hard by someone he gave his all to, someone he idolized and respected, I hope one day he learns and feels HALF as bad as he has left me.

I pray my son recovers, stays as happy as he is and always been. I pray nothing changes him. I pray he lives a long, fulfilling life.

I pray Jake knows I love him and envy him with his carefree personality and contagious smile.

I pray my dad knows how much I miss him and how much I loved him and continue to.

I have to stop. I’m all cried out at the moment.

Day 8, Again

I broke out the weights again yesterday morning.

My food game wasn’t on par because I had a higher calorie lunch and dinner than I have been. We’ll see how that effects me.

Didn’t get a run, soccer games have started. It was work, a quick dinner, game, homework, baths, bed. And I go to bed early… like 930 early. I went to bed at 9 in anticipation of a long day today. But I still woke up at 5 lol. It’s not even 6 am and the boys are up too. We’re morning people lol:)

Jackson seemed to have a great birthday. Sounds like school and day care celebrated with him. I took cookies to his class yesterday morning. He came home with 3. I had one to celebrate.

Second job starts tonight. My fear is I start depending on fast food on breaks and in between jobs. I’m going to have to stash turkey sandwiches.

I didn’t work out this morning. I’ll probably regret it but I wanted a break.

Tomorrow: soccer game at 9 am, store, pick up cake, clean up the house, 2 PM birthday party, then the boys go with my mom so I can go to work at 9 Sunday morning.

Oh! Jackson’s deficient in HGH. His doctor’s office is trying to see about insurance coverage. All this after I got a bill for three endocrinologist office visit was $398 after insurance. Looks like my second job will pay off. Looks like I’m not going to put it where I wanted it to go all along. Ugh. He’s worth it. I just hope if he does get the HGH Jackson will tolerate the shots…omg it’s already worrying me. It took 3 of us for the IV. I’m thinking of giving it to him in his sleep. Dear God, I hope it works out.

A Real Friend

After royally fucking up this weekend I stewed over my past and forgot about all of it come Saturday night. I’m still paying the price and may me be for sometime to come. (Drinking was only a small factor this weekend.) And I didn’t have the kids, mind you. I laid low yesterday, avoiding people. Today, I truly welcomed a new week with an unprecedented amount of happiness for a Monday.

I only confided in a few friends my shortcomings and this weekend’s events. Instead of disappointment, shaming or being called a dumbass I was called stubborn and told to leave the past in the past.

I’m judging and punishing myself hard enough. When am I going to learn? How much more counseling do I need to attend to accept the fact the boy’s father is dead and I will forever be a single mom, a mom of a disabled child, to just accept the fact my life has not nor will ever turn out the way I thought it would? Not at all like it wasn’t painted out for me as a child.

I should but don’t have the answer.

The Boys

I’m easier on Jackson. I realize that. He struggles more. I may not snap at him as quickly as I do Jake for annoying me. By annoying I mean hear “come here” a million times or “watch me” a hundred more. I’m annoyed, frankly mad, when Jake does something I’ve told him not to do. When Jackson does something again, I might let it slide.

I don’t know who I’m punishing. Jake for being the “typically developed child” or Jackson for being the disabled child? I’m probably hurting Jake’s feelings. I’m probably hurting Jackson’s development.

I struggle with this as I watched their father treat the boys differently. He not only favored Jackson because of his disability but admitted to liking Jackson more.

I expect more of Jake because he is “normal”. He should know better. He should retain knowledge and information.

I should have more patience with him. I’ll try to change how I react to him.

Memories

This morning I was blindsided by the boys asking questions about their half-sister and dad. They want to see their half-sister again. My youngest, again, wanted to know why there aren’t many photos of him with his father. I tried to explain that we weren’t together long after he was born. I didn’t want to tell him the truth, we weren’t getting along and I wasn’t exactly up for snapping photos of his father.

They asked where he lived. They didn’t remember the apartment. I told them about their father’s wife, they didn’t remember her. It’s strange to think they had or have a stepmom.

They wanted to know why he died. I just say his body quit working. It was his time. They accept this for now.

Of course, by the end of the talk I was crying and fearful of messing up my makeup as we were about to walk out the door for work and daycare.

Jake then asked for money for bible school. He said he needed it because Jesus died for us. Haha. He’s really interested in God. And because I want them deciding for themselves what they want to believe I’ll support him by maybe taking him to church again. They at least need to be educated on all religions.