Sunday Silence

In desperate need of a break from the boys I asked my mom to watch the boys. I decided to color my hair then go Christmas shopping. I stopped by a Cracker Barrel for chicken and dumplings. Healthy, I know but so good.

So here I sit. I’m visiting their store after eating because when we were here a few weeks ago I got several pictures of the boys with toys they wanted. I ordered what I could from Amazon now I’m here to get the rest.

Grocery store after this then home to wrap presents and hide them. I love that the boys still believe in Santa but sometimes it would be easier if they didn’t. I’ll take them little and believing. They enjoy it. I saw a post on Facebook from another special needs mom whose 23 year old son still believes in Santa. I wonder how long Jackson will and how would Jake not ever tell him. I’ll worry about that at another time. Today, I’m enjoying the quiet and calm.

Disappointment

I’m going to have to quit my second job. My mom’s exhusband went after her today in front of the boys while she was watching then at work. She had to call the cops. The boys said they grabbed pans and locked themselves inside the house. Hunter, 10, my half brother, grabbed a knife. His own father.

He’s brought a gun out and threatened to kill them both at least one other time and she called the cops.

I’m fearful of leaving the boys with her and him coming over. They’re my whole reason for living. I don’t want anything to happen to my mother or half brother but I can prevent something happening from happening to my boys by quitting my job.

I’ve already called in tomorrow. I feel awful but he might be released from jail and I know his truck is still at her house. She’s let him back in her house before. I can’t trust her not to allow him in there again. He preys on her. He knows she’s kind and wants him in Hunter’s life but he’s an alcoholic and maybe worse because he was on meth once before.

Said he had a condition that made him lose his teeth, yeah ok.

This pisses me off and upsets me because I need the money. I needed it for Christmas badly. I don’t know what I’ll do know. I’ve maxed out a credit card because of medical deductibles.

I’d look for another job but they’re so accommodating of my time off with Jackson. I know this won’t last forever. The doctor’s are still in their discovery phase of learning about a child with Goldenhar’s.

I need some help. I’d sell my house but I know it’ll never sell in a short time. I’d hate to pull the kids out of another school. I don’t think that’s the wisest thing to do. I’m also fearful of not giving the boys a good Christmas.

No drinking, no sitters, no dates, no new clothes, no name brand products, no foods I want to eat but only that which I can afford to eat. We’ll just go back to living le this again.

Maybe I Don’t Understand

And I need someone to teach me, tell me, show me how not to be bitter any longer! I’m tired of feeling sorry for my son and myself and my boys in general because Jackson was born with so many problems, he’s disabled, they lost their father to drugs, I lived with an alcoholic/drug addict, losing my father, having the person who said he liked me for what and who I was leave me and it not see it as a reflection on me. I need someone to tell me how not to be tired of learning new things about my son, being worried I’m depriving the other son of good attention and yelling and asking too much of him because he’s “typical”. I’m tired of not feeling pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, strong enough, good enough, there enough, perfect enough.

Maybe one of you could offer me some advice. Maybe I can quit crying at the thought of him and the sound of his name 5 months later. I’m tired of having to kill all the fucking spiders in this house. I’m tired of being scared to answer the door. I want to hear something in the middle of the night and have someone else go check it out. I want someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything is going to fucking be alright.

I don’t understand why someone who called you the nicest person he’s ever dated would leave!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t understand why he’d call me a catch and beautiful and then fucking end us over a fucking phone call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What kind of man does that????????????? A fucking pussy! He slept with me, shared my bed, must have pitied me or USED me! USED ME! To be such an asshole as to tell someone that he hopes you find someone that really loves you. Who does that? I hope he gets his heart broken one day and hard by someone he gave his all to, someone he idolized and respected, I hope one day he learns and feels HALF as bad as he has left me.

I pray my son recovers, stays as happy as he is and always been. I pray nothing changes him. I pray he lives a long, fulfilling life.

I pray Jake knows I love him and envy him with his carefree personality and contagious smile.

I pray my dad knows how much I miss him and how much I loved him and continue to.

I have to stop. I’m all cried out at the moment.

Day 8, Again

I broke out the weights again yesterday morning.

My food game wasn’t on par because I had a higher calorie lunch and dinner than I have been. We’ll see how that effects me.

Didn’t get a run, soccer games have started. It was work, a quick dinner, game, homework, baths, bed. And I go to bed early… like 930 early. I went to bed at 9 in anticipation of a long day today. But I still woke up at 5 lol. It’s not even 6 am and the boys are up too. We’re morning people lol:)

Jackson seemed to have a great birthday. Sounds like school and day care celebrated with him. I took cookies to his class yesterday morning. He came home with 3. I had one to celebrate.

Second job starts tonight. My fear is I start depending on fast food on breaks and in between jobs. I’m going to have to stash turkey sandwiches.

I didn’t work out this morning. I’ll probably regret it but I wanted a break.

Tomorrow: soccer game at 9 am, store, pick up cake, clean up the house, 2 PM birthday party, then the boys go with my mom so I can go to work at 9 Sunday morning.

Oh! Jackson’s deficient in HGH. His doctor’s office is trying to see about insurance coverage. All this after I got a bill for three endocrinologist office visit was $398 after insurance. Looks like my second job will pay off. Looks like I’m not going to put it where I wanted it to go all along. Ugh. He’s worth it. I just hope if he does get the HGH Jackson will tolerate the shots…omg it’s already worrying me. It took 3 of us for the IV. I’m thinking of giving it to him in his sleep. Dear God, I hope it works out.