Who’s God Allows This to Continue?

God. Why do people claim he exists and that he has a plan for each of our lives? What kind of god has a life planned our for each of us that might include molestation, rape, murder? The same God you pray to to help you make it to your meeting in time?

We’ll send thoughts and prayers. The same prayers that allow you to pass English tests in high school? What do thoughts do? Bring someone back? In my mind I’ve thought about preventing every massacre that has occurred…did my thoughts stop this one? Will they stop the next?

We need gun control. We won’t say that or do that because president is plain monetarily and judiciously by the NRA and gun supporters everywhere. I’m not saying rid everyone of guns.

I’m just curious about what God allows children, male and female, to be raped? Molested? Murdered? Anyone to be raped or murdered, tortured or harassed?

Maybe the hypocritical conreconregations has led God astray. His followers sinning, lying in the name of Him. Maybe what humanity has become has made him powerless.

I’m fucking sick of it. If one of my children dies in a massacre, a shooting, so help me “God” hell will be paid.

Maybe I Don’t Understand

And I need someone to teach me, tell me, show me how not to be bitter any longer! I’m tired of feeling sorry for my son and myself and my boys in general because Jackson was born with so many problems, he’s disabled, they lost their father to drugs, I lived with an alcoholic/drug addict, losing my father, having the person who said he liked me for what and who I was leave me and it not see it as a reflection on me. I need someone to tell me how not to be tired of learning new things about my son, being worried I’m depriving the other son of good attention and yelling and asking too much of him because he’s “typical”. I’m tired of not feeling pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, strong enough, good enough, there enough, perfect enough.

Maybe one of you could offer me some advice. Maybe I can quit crying at the thought of him and the sound of his name 5 months later. I’m tired of having to kill all the fucking spiders in this house. I’m tired of being scared to answer the door. I want to hear something in the middle of the night and have someone else go check it out. I want someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything is going to fucking be alright.

I don’t understand why someone who called you the nicest person he’s ever dated would leave!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t understand why he’d call me a catch and beautiful and then fucking end us over a fucking phone call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What kind of man does that????????????? A fucking pussy! He slept with me, shared my bed, must have pitied me or USED me! USED ME! To be such an asshole as to tell someone that he hopes you find someone that really loves you. Who does that? I hope he gets his heart broken one day and hard by someone he gave his all to, someone he idolized and respected, I hope one day he learns and feels HALF as bad as he has left me.

I pray my son recovers, stays as happy as he is and always been. I pray nothing changes him. I pray he lives a long, fulfilling life.

I pray Jake knows I love him and envy him with his carefree personality and contagious smile.

I pray my dad knows how much I miss him and how much I loved him and continue to.

I have to stop. I’m all cried out at the moment.

Day 9, Again

So I started my second job yesterday. It’s retail. I woke up at 5 with the intentions of working out but didn’t. I went to my regular job 8-4:15, I got to leave 15 minutes early. I ran home, let the dogs out, then drove to McDonald’s for a salad. Well, I did what I was afraid of doing. I looked at the clock and realized driving with a burger would be easier than sitting in the parking lot and eating a salad with only a few minutes until I had to be at my job. (It’s a retail job btw. We have an outlet mall not too far from here.)

It was nice learning some new things and chatting with people. I don’t talk to many people at my first job. However, the worst part of the day was when my manager asked me to try on clothes so I would be able to tell customers how they fit. Um, I only fit in their largest sizes. It was discouraging. The absolute worse part was the full length mirror in the dressing room. Oh. My. God. I think of poor Adam telling me how he thought I looked good naked and wanting to cry. Not a pretty sight. My stomach is disgusting. I want so bad to be thinner but I went and ruined it today with fast food and not exercising. And I’m wanting to see results now so it’s a little frustrating.

Ugh. I’ve got to keep going. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I also just felt a little sad knowing that I’ve missed out on a man that liked my body the way it was.

Oh, well. I’ll get where¬† I want to be. At least I hope I will. I don’t want to be doing this for nothing.