January 2

100 kettle bell swings.

Vegetable quiche for dinner. Found the recipe on Pinterest. It had gruyere and goat cheese in it with sundried tomatoes, zucchini, onion and red pepper. Then you and fresh basil and thyme. I can’t believe I ate it.

I also can’t believe I’m still eating the shredded parmesan in my fridge. I had to buy more at the store and didn’t realize it soft when fresh lol. I thought it was hard. Oh well, it’s in a soup I’ll finish tomorrow. So far I’m not dead.

Fasting in the morning. Cholesterol check in the AM. Woohoo! Getting old. No, more like eating bad and not taking care of myself.

Meeting a guy for coffee tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

January 1

So, today. Didn’t eat as well as I hoped. Evidently everyone and their mother was at the movies today. The boys wanted to go see a movie. It was sold out and another was sold out so we went to Sonic instead. The boys haven’t had it since we left TN.

We went to church Sunday. Starting that this year. I loved the day. We got up, went to church, ate lunch at Wendy’s, picked up groceries, came home and I napped. Then I got up we went to the park where we picked a hidden trail and then saw a hot air balloon. Guess what?! They asked if we wanted to get in while it was tethered and only feet off the ground. I said hell yes! We’re got to go up for a few minutes. The boys were scared when he pulled for the fire to expel. They hit the floor of the basket lol. But it was awesome. We then went to buy Jake some shoes and I ended up getting a weight bench. Getting it home was an experience. I actually had to tape my trunk shut. I told the sales associate I didn’t want to look ghetto. He said, “We are in Kentucky.” I agreed and drove home. Getting it out was a workout. The boys and I carried it inside in pieces and I put it together.

Today, tried a Mediterranean chicken recipe that sucked ass. It had no flavor and was a waste of time, good food and money.

But I got a workout in on the weight bench and 90 kettle bell swings. My lunch and snacks are packed for tomorrow. Clothes laid out.

I did however, wake up with a hangover. I drank 6 beers, 2 bottles of champagne throughout the course of the day and night. I noticed this morning I messaged my high school boyfriend on Facebook. Face palm.

But talking a break from Facebook and from drinking for the whole month.

I hope to stick with this and look good in a bathing suit by summer.

Fuck You, Adam

Dear Adam,

Today’s the last day I think about you. Today’s the last day I allow myself to feel less than everyone else. Insecure. Flawed. Imperfect. Little. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not nice enough. Today’s the last day my heart hurts that you left me, dumped me over the phone like the full grown pussy of an Army reserve captain you are. You cheated on me and I have proof.

You’re probably at the Tyler Childers concert tonight. You’re probably with her.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I’m done.

2018

2019. I can pick my heartache. It doesn’t need to be from a man. I’ve got old dogs and kids for that.

I won’t get used again like Adam used me. I won’t get attached like I did to Adam. I won’t hurt like that again.

I’ll treat myself better. I want to work out. Tone up.

I want to go to church. I want to be kind, generous, happy.

I’ll just go out in 2018 saying “Fuck you, Adam. I wish I’d never met you and I’m going to prove myself to myself this year. I’m doing 2019 for me.”

Depressed Again

I spent all day yesterday in my pajamas. I slept late then napped. I left the kids downstairs.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of not feeling like doing anything. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of second guessing my worth because I’m alone.

I need a hobby. I need a change. I’m worried about money 24/7 yet I’ll buy beer to make me forget.

I need something good to happen.

Christmas Past

Well, that’s over.

Jake was sick Saturday morning. Jackson got sick Christmas morning. So he and I started home from the holiday festivities at my mom’s house. My aunt picked Jake up on the way. They brought back presents and food:)

Overall, the boys had a great day. They got almost everything they wanted.

My mom brought me over some presents to open on Christmas morning so I got a few things.

I was helped out by 2 churches this year which has me rethinking my thoughts on religion and God.

Jackson’s medical bills from this year alone total 4k. My great aunt delivered food and $100 dollars to help me out.

The local baptist church had a toy drive. I was asked to partake in the giveaway. I got lots of presents, stocking stuffers, school supplies, books and even wrapping paper all for $20. I was escorted around by a volunteer. She hugged me at the end. I had to turn around and leave. I cried the whole way back to my house.

I can’t believe people are so nice and giving.

I looked at the presents I had wrapped for the boys and was going to give them before adding the church’s presents. They didn’t have much. I’m glad I took the church up on their offer.

The boys thanked me and Santa 10 times yesterday. I’m raising grateful boys. I hope to tell them about this Christmas when they get older.

In the meantime, I think we’ll be going to church.

I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday. I hope New Year’s is great for everyone too. I’ll write more on the new year later:)