My anxiety is beyond my control at this moment or I feel it is. I just woke up at 1:00 from a dead sleep worrying about leaving something up at work, fearing l have already.
This is why I don’t like me. I can’t turn these thoughts off. I’m trying to tell myself to be realistic and nothing I could mess up would be life altering. I wouldn’t lose my job. But I’m lying here fearing that a phone call made today or a message I relayed was wrong and my boss or someone will be mad at me. I’m really obsessing over this and one message I relayed to my boss.
I emailed a company to see if a position was still available. I need to make more money. But the thought of the responsibility that comes along with making more money makes me not want to even interview. I’ve jumped from job to job since going back to work after my children were born thinking I had to escape before they realized I was doing a bad job or that I was messing something up. I keep thinking I’ll be happier somewhere else. It never works. I still battle me. If I could quit working I think I’d be ok. But of course that means no income. I really, really, really hate feeling like this and all the panic attacks, stress, heart racing, sleep loss that comes with it.
Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist and my therapist and updated them on my depression and anxiety. Telling them about my breakdown a few weeks ago, panic attacks, quitting my job, my high anxiety level, and increased depression. I told her about how I wouldn’t kill myself, but how I no longer want to live like this. I’m exhausted from living with my anxiety and depression. I’m tired of feeling impending doom, living in the past and living with regret. I’m tired of feeling worthless and hopeless. I’m tired of not having energy and not sleeping at night and then napping for up to 5 hours every day. I also told them both I hadn’t had a drink of alcohol in a week. My therapist, surprised I wasn’t having withdrawals. I brought up the use of hemp oil for treatment of my anxiety to my psychiatrist. She neither agreed or denied it’s effectiveness on my dilemma but said what she was prescribing me would help me.
What she prescribed me was a controlled substance with the street name “johnnies”. Or gabapentin. I had never heard of it but had to present my ID to the Walgreens pharmacy tech to get it filled. Not having insurance, I thought for sure it was the $176 prescription I just got filled, but no. It was only $25. I was fearful of taking it, I still am. I Googled the side effects. I Googled it’s uses. It’s pretty scary. Hemp oil seems safer and natural. But it’s not making my doctor or drug companies money. I’m to take one at dinner, one at bedtime for a week and then increase it to 2 times at bedtime. I’ll comply as I’m desperate and under a doctor’s care. The first pill at dinner calmed me. I felt mellow. Like a marijuana mellow without the paranoia and increased anxiety (which is why I tend to stay away from the stuff). The second pill went down at bedtime just fine. I was up for a few minutes then out. I remember turning over in the middle of the night but not fully waking up like I had been doing. But then the alarm went off at 6:30.
I snoozed it 10 minutes. I laid there thinking, oh my God, I slept good. Oh my God, I feel good. Omg, something worked. Granted I don’t know if it was the pill or no nap yesterday or that my boyfriend was over and I usually sleep a little sounder with him next to me because of safety (when his fist isn’t in the back of my neck). I leaned over to him, “I slept!”
I did! Then I jump out of bed. I felt fabulous! I had energy. I was in a good mood. I was going to wake those boys up singing and get them in a good mood (they usually are) and get them to school and I’m going to have a great day! And I did and am. I had to take a downer this morning which the doctor the prescribed also but the sun is shining and the day is new and I’m feeling good (sung like the song). I feel alive. I’m reminded of how good it feels to be happy and rested again.
I just wish it wasn’t from a manufactured pill. I’m fearful of what all these prescribed medications are doing to my body. I’m fearful of long term effects. But I’m feeling so good I kind of don’t care and I just want to live in the moment and bask in this because it’s been so long since I’ve felt like this. Granted it may not be repeated tomorrow but I’m feeling hopeful and I’m reminded I’m alive and capable of being happy and deserve to be. Things have happened in my past and I control my future. Forget the past, live in the present.
And so I will keep thinking that today. I’ll keep turning my negative thoughts into positive, which I’m doing pretty good at catching and reversing by the way. I’ll repeat to myself that I control my happiness and it begins on the inside, with me. I think I’ll pray to the God or the higher up I’ve been chatting with lately and thank Him or them and maybe give a shout out to the big pharma company too. And here’s hoping my liver never fails me!
Now to find a job!
My anxiety is a little bad this morning. I have a job interview later and I’m nervous about that. I realize I have been unemployed for a week now and I had an interview yesterday and I’m just beginning to panic a little. I’m fearful of not finding a job soon and having to settle. I’m afraid of returning to work and my anxiety being overwhelming again.
I watched Good Morning America and saw that Dick’s Sporting Goods is banning the sell of assault-style rifles, not selling guns to people under 21 and no longer selling high capacity magazines. I’m pleased to hear this as I am worried about the state of this country and the safety of my own children at school.
We’ve always thought of schools and buses as a safe place for our children. They were for me when I was a kid. I never worried about dying at school or someone bringing a gun. I watch these kids from the Florida high school being interviewed and I see their pimpled foreheads. That’s all a kid that age should be worrying about. Tests, reports, acne, dating, not dying. Not looking for signs of a potential shooter in their friends and acquaintances. Should they assume the shy, quiet, loner is a future criminal and upset them by labeling them?
I’m also fed up of my Facebook’s news feed being bombarded with “Put God back in schools”. “The reason why children are dying in schools is because God is no longer allowed in schools”. Yeah, because there has never been a church shooting… So many excuses, so little actions. I’m pleased with Dick’s news this morning. I’m glad someone is taking an initiative. I’m upset that President Trump proposes arming teachers. What? That’s ludicrous. I can just see my first grade teacher packing a gun. Okay. Teachers already claim to be overworked and underpaid. You’re going to now make them carry guns like a law enforcement officer? Isn’t that someone else’s job? The fact that this is being discussed disgusts me. It’s saddens and sickens me that I’m dropping my kids off at school in the morning and wondering if I’ll ever see them again because someone could come in and harm my children.
I’m angry. I’m hurt. More to worry about. More to prepare for. What have we become?